The Goddess Broke My Heart (Pt 2)

22 04 2015

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum

This is what I refer to when I say “The Goddess Broke My Heart.”  Life, our friends, our choices, our circumstances will break us.  It is all designed to strip us down to our core beingness.  The more we resist our true nature, the more pressure is placed on us.  We are wounded more, we are torn down, and we struggle against life.  We do not embrace our challenges we resist.  Not only does this resistance create more suffering in ourselves but it also holds us back from the realization of the truth.  We fight back, we wallow in pain, we push the pain away, we numb ourselves through alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, food, shopping, or entertainment.

In the past few years I have made it a practice to actually embrace the challenges that life sends me.  I just accept the new circumstances of life.  This does not mean that I am not affected but I am not resisting.  I may go into deep fear, or other reactions that truly do not serve me but I do not resist.  This started many years ago when my practice brought me to a place where I felt the pain of all humankind.  I could feel it all, all the time and this lasted for months or weeks.  (The genesis of this blog came out of that experience).  And in that time I did not resits any of what I was feeling.  I accepted it and whatever it brought to me.  There were deep learnings in that period for me.  I can still access the pain of us all if I quiet my mind and sit with it for a moment.

As I have said over the past few blog posts I have been facing a dept of disturbance like to other in my life.  I have had so much happen.  My life has been shaken down to the core in many ways, and at the same time, although I have had anxiety and fear, I have not resisted.  I have worked to mitigate circumstances but that is taking action when action is needed.  But I have not resisted, not fought it, I have accepted it and taken responsibility for the circumstances I have faced.  The past eight months or so have been a difficult time for me.  Far more difficult than anything I ever expected to face.

Life has broken me again, in a far deeper and profound way then ever before.  I have had many moments of awareness, insights, and deep learning.  It has been life altering.  I have also at times felt the depth of my true nature, the part that is never threatened by anything.  The unshakable part of me that cannot be touched by the circumstances life throws at me.  Sometimes I have been lost in the emotional turmoil.  My body had been in the emergency mode of a constant flow of adrenaline.  And I have not resisted it.  I have accepted it all and felt it all.  I have welcomed it all, and at the same time I have attempted to learn and grow and make adjustments that would serve me and life better than my old choices and ways of doing life.

This is one reason life breaks us, to let go of the old patterns.  The destruction of so many parts of my life have served to make room for something new.  These changes may not be apparent to those around me but they are deep and profound.  Life has broken me down and forced my hand to change more than any other time in my life.  I feel the seeds of a totally new life.  Not in a physical sense, not like I will sell my house and move to an organic farm kind of way; but in a deeper way, in a way that is at the core of what and who I am, and how I see the world and others.

The Goddess Broke My Heart and in that breaking she has laid the seeds of renewal and another life that was unforeseeable before my heart was broken.  I have surrendered to the heartbreak and the change and the newness of what is next.

 

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