The Life Intensive

27 08 2015

My current process has been going on for several weeks at least.  It is likely my life stage.  I find myself doing an exploration of my life.  It goes on for hours and days…

It is not really a process involving regret.  Yes, there are mistakes I have made in life.  I have hurt others, I have hurt myself, I have made bad choices (many of them).  There are many things I could regret but I do not live in that place.  The examination is really about “consciousness in living,”  how I have conducted myself.  There are so many small examples of my unconsciousness that have been bubbling up over these long weeks.  Of course, these are all things from the past and I am not big on living in the past.  But this process is almost involuntary.  It is certainly not about shoulds and should nots, it is not about regrets, it is not about self-judgement.  It is about right living.  Where have I been conscious and made correct choices.  Where have I been unconscious and made poor choices.  I think the process is some form of life examination, an education so to speak.  I do not think we learn anything from being told what is right and wrong.  Behaviors can be forced on us, I suppose, with enough pressure and consequences, but really we learn from the mistakes we make.  The things we do that we later realize were wrong choices for us.  I believe this is the process I am in.  I am getting a deeper education but evolve in some way.  To learn the lessons I have resisted throughout my life.  Yes, I think that is what it is…  My previous resistance to learning certain things, or giving up a way of behaving.  I had a new lesson today and a deep area of life, which put me right back into this process again.  Remembering, sorting, sifting, evaluating the merits of these uncountable decisions that make up my life path.

And there have been profound changes in how I react to certain things and the decisions I make.  There are things that do not trigger me, that were huge at one time.  The anger reaction in me has become such a small part of life for me, when at one time it was such a large one.  Sifting, sorting, recognizing…  The Life Intensive continues to work its magic on me, to push me through experience, to round out the rough edges, to refine me in some way for some thing.  I am being worked, and worked, refined, and carved…  Life will not allow me to stop, to relax in it, but there is a pressure, a push, seeking…  Ah, the fate of a seeker.  And the process continues.

Life finds ways to break your heart, to break through those resistances that keep you from moving forward in whatever way is right for you.

Today my heart is broken, and tomorrow there will be something different.  Tomorrow I may feel strong and open to anything…  This always changes and it is part of the Life Intensive.  Breath, feel, acknowledge, live in it, do not avoid it…  It is the process that life is about.  We can avoid this process, we can drink, drug, sex, shop, numb to life in whatever we prefer, but life will still find ways to break our hearts.  If we are numb and avoiding we will not learn the lesson, or grow through the experience; and we will continue to get that experience until we face it and learn what is there for us to learn, and evolve, and change and grow and renew ourselves.

Allow this process to work on you.  Live in it, be with it, and enjoy it.  It is life, humaness, and the thing that will teach us.  The periods in our life when everything is easy and happy and working are not usually periods of growth but vacations from that work.  Examine your life, what are your greatest periods of growth?  Not the easy, joyful times.  I am not opposed to these times, enjoy them, embrace them too; but the growth, the gems, the realizations, the new ways of being come from the difficult experiences we create.  These are the precious things, the things that can propel us forward into change, and knowledge of our personal ethics.

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