Trusting a Man…

21 03 2016

This morning I have been thinking about what makes a man trustworthy.  Most of us would consider a man trustworthy if he keeps his word, if he says what he means, and if he stays within the boundaries and agreements of the relationship.

What comes to mind for me is a man who knows himself, who is grounded, who is unshakable in the face of the feminine storm.  A man who meets his partner with strength rather than anger and defensiveness, or withdrawal.  Rather than go into one of those defense strategies when faced with difficulty be present, be conscious, hold on to who you are.  Do not get lost in a response to the situation.  I have done both in my life.  A few years ago I was in a short relationship with someone who was pretty hurt and angry.  They took offense at nearly everything.  At first I was patient and in touch with my true nature but over time the attacks wore me down and I began to react.  First with defensiveness, then with anger, and finally with withdrawal.  None of those served either of us.  And as my reactivity grew the relationship further devolved and fractured.  Now, I am not saying this was a relationship that should have been nurtured but my reactions still haunt me.  Every time I fell into the trap of one of those coping strategies I felt I had failed.  I was not strong, I was not grounded, and I me.  And as this pattern continued I felt my strength eroded away.  The accusations and my defensiveness slowly undermined my groundedness, my stability, and my ability to stand firm in my true nature.  Of course my true nature was still there.  But I was losing touch with that one and the strength I had built up over time was failing me.  Most of all I felt like a failure.  I felt that I could not manage my reactions and myself.  In only a few weeks what I had worked so hard to attain seemed to be coming apart.  I was not trustable in this state of being that I fallen into.

For me to be truly trustworthy I must stay conscious, drop judgement, be grounded in the real me and approach life and relationship from that place.  If I lose my way then I lose my capacity to be conscious and make choices about how I will react to something.  When I lose touch with these things I react immediately instead of taking my time and allowing to correct response to arise.  The ability to do so comes from being stable and grounded.  Through meditative practices, through examination of my life and emotional states, through mind clearing, and other therapeutic processes.

To be absolutely trustworthy to the feminine heart a lapse in consciousness and going into reactivity is counter productive.  And every unconscious, defensive reaction takes time to heal.  Every one.  Not that we have to be perfect in anyway.  But be aware that when we react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal we have failed.  In that moment we are have lost trust.  These moments of of lost trust build up.  It is not one failing in this area that destroys the feminine trust in us, but many over time.  One time she says something to you that feels like an attack and accusation, and you come back with a defensive reply.  Another time she interrupts you at a task and you respond with anger for the interruption, rather than openness to her and what she brings.  Next time she does not bring it to you.  Another time she has an issues with something and instead of addressing it with her, you withdraw feeling hurt and accused.  Instead, give her your full attention.  listen to her fully, receive her communication, and take time wit your response.  Sometimes a response is not necessary, just receiving her communication in an open way is enough to calm her over the situation.  Get that you do not always have to “fix” it for her.  You can just receive it and let her clear it from her mind.  Sometimes just holding her, and having contact is enough.  Sometimes if is is something that hurt her an apology is the thing that breaks through to her heart.  Always be open and make it your goal to always foster closeness and openness between you.  Do not close to her when it is hard but open more.  This is the road to being worthy of the gift of her heart.




3 responses

22 03 2016
Terry Myers

Beautifully & insightfully put! Thanks 😃

22 03 2016
Dena Lynn

Thank you. While I do believe that both men and women need that gift while “mid-storm” (or any time) … I see that the feminine energy (which tends to be airy – in-flight, ungrounded; and this can be found in both men and women), does indeed need an anchor. NOT because she is weak, but because in order to fly, she needs to be tethered (think of a kite). She needs the non-confining, “you are safe to fall apart,” “I will will let you shatter, I will pick up the pieces, I will hold you as you re-integrate” energy that masculinity alone can provide.

At least, this femininely-energized (albeit animus-aware) woman does.

And this woman also extends that same refuge, and sanctuary, for a man, when *he* finds himself mid-collapse.

6 06 2016

The key to the heart…is that you are not afraid to say “No”, this relationship is not working. So many times we hang-in thinking we can make it work…when compatibility is simply not there. You are attracted to someone, you like them and then the complications just pile up…to open up to yourself and say… I need to step back from this and take a breath. That is a very hard step to take. Often that step feels like a failure instead of a win.
Relationships when you are over thirty are different, they are more complicated because more life has been lived. But to say, I’m taking a breath is not failure. Its acceptance that the relationship has to be two powerful people of equal strengths that stand side by side…and if the relationship gels…the keystone is put on the top and the relationship becomes solid and lasts. But if one of the pillars is not a good fit for the other…the keystone can never be placed on top and the longevity of the relationship is unable to be secured.
Its a hard ride to find an equal duo…I honor all of those that are brave enough to keep searching. Being secure enough within yourself to look for that person that not only fulfills the needs of attraction, but the needs of the mind and spirit. When you do find that equal energy and strength in another person…the reward is amazing. Plus, the “love” grows on a daily basis, even when those days equal 20,30,40+ years together. Love and friendship so deeply felt and so long lasting. I honor those that are not afraid to walk alone, searching until they find their equal…it can sometimes be a long road. Each step alone and living to the best of the day…brings you closer to another that mirrors your inner truths. Blessings, francy

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