Trusting a Man…

21 03 2016

This morning I have been thinking about what makes a man trustworthy.  Most of us would consider a man trustworthy if he keeps his word, if he says what he means, and if he stays within the boundaries and agreements of the relationship.

What comes to mind for me is a man who knows himself, who is grounded, who is unshakable in the face of the feminine storm.  A man who meets his partner with strength rather than anger and defensiveness, or withdrawal.  Rather than go into one of those defense strategies when faced with difficulty be present, be conscious, hold on to who you are.  Do not get lost in a response to the situation.  I have done both in my life.  A few years ago I was in a short relationship with someone who was pretty hurt and angry.  They took offense at nearly everything.  At first I was patient and in touch with my true nature but over time the attacks wore me down and I began to react.  First with defensiveness, then with anger, and finally with withdrawal.  None of those served either of us.  And as my reactivity grew the relationship further devolved and fractured.  Now, I am not saying this was a relationship that should have been nurtured but my reactions still haunt me.  Every time I fell into the trap of one of those coping strategies I felt I had failed.  I was not strong, I was not grounded, and I me.  And as this pattern continued I felt my strength eroded away.  The accusations and my defensiveness slowly undermined my groundedness, my stability, and my ability to stand firm in my true nature.  Of course my true nature was still there.  But I was losing touch with that one and the strength I had built up over time was failing me.  Most of all I felt like a failure.  I felt that I could not manage my reactions and myself.  In only a few weeks what I had worked so hard to attain seemed to be coming apart.  I was not trustable in this state of being that I fallen into.

For me to be truly trustworthy I must stay conscious, drop judgement, be grounded in the real me and approach life and relationship from that place.  If I lose my way then I lose my capacity to be conscious and make choices about how I will react to something.  When I lose touch with these things I react immediately instead of taking my time and allowing to correct response to arise.  The ability to do so comes from being stable and grounded.  Through meditative practices, through examination of my life and emotional states, through mind clearing, and other therapeutic processes.

To be absolutely trustworthy to the feminine heart a lapse in consciousness and going into reactivity is counter productive.  And every unconscious, defensive reaction takes time to heal.  Every one.  Not that we have to be perfect in anyway.  But be aware that when we react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal we have failed.  In that moment we are have lost trust.  These moments of of lost trust build up.  It is not one failing in this area that destroys the feminine trust in us, but many over time.  One time she says something to you that feels like an attack and accusation, and you come back with a defensive reply.  Another time she interrupts you at a task and you respond with anger for the interruption, rather than openness to her and what she brings.  Next time she does not bring it to you.  Another time she has an issues with something and instead of addressing it with her, you withdraw feeling hurt and accused.  Instead, give her your full attention.  listen to her fully, receive her communication, and take time wit your response.  Sometimes a response is not necessary, just receiving her communication in an open way is enough to calm her over the situation.  Get that you do not always have to “fix” it for her.  You can just receive it and let her clear it from her mind.  Sometimes just holding her, and having contact is enough.  Sometimes if is is something that hurt her an apology is the thing that breaks through to her heart.  Always be open and make it your goal to always foster closeness and openness between you.  Do not close to her when it is hard but open more.  This is the road to being worthy of the gift of her heart.





The Next Process

7 01 2016

I believe I am in a process of completion on many levels, and a clearing out process in my life.  I believe this is in preparation for something new, but there is more to be revealed.

This process (or maybe two processes) is coming in two flavors.

The first is difficult people.  I have had a series of people who have been unreasonable or displayed unnecessary anger with me.  It appears that these people have the idea that I have done something to them or wronged them in some way.  One made demands of me that i do something I already planned to do but they never gave room for a conversation, they just blasted me with anger, accusations, and aggression.  I said to them several times, “You do not have to yell at me.”   They would settle down for a a bit but ramp up again.  I never did get to tell them that what they wanted I had planned to do the whole time, and I am sure they think they bullied me into the course of action they wanted.

Another made a decision that was detrimental to me in a way, but not huge really (a business thing).  And when I asked them about it they acted again accusatory toward me.  I was shocked at how they reacted to me.  I have treated them with kindness and understand during the time of our association.  This person also refused to provide completely reasonable things that I need to complete work they were involved in.  There seems to be no reason to refuse (it is part of what they were doing for me), but every request is met with a problem.  I fail to understand what the problem is.

These are the two that come up right now, but not the only recent situations of strange interactions with people in recent months.  It seems there is some kind of process going on.  I am not sure if it people self-selecting out of my sphere and life, or something that needs to be completed within me, and these folks are my teachers in some area that is not clear to me.  Both these circumstances have elicited more anger than I typically have these days, so it might be in the emotional realm.  It could be that I will face these situations until I no longer have an angry reaction.  To be clear, I did not react toward them with anger but I had an internal reaction that was more than I want in my life.  It certainly has caused much self-reflection as these incidents have persisted to come up.

The other process or part of this one is related to the life examination I have been doing for the past several months.  That has relaxed quite a bit, but now I have the examination continues on a more subtle level.  I am involuntarily examining my very thoughts at different times with different people.  The process has been refined from the actions I have taken, and the situations I have created to the thoughts I have had, of course, mostly about others.  The thoughts I did not act on, the thoughts I did not express, the thoughts I forgot about years ago, are coming back to be examined and dealt with in some way.  That might be an apology or a realization, or something else, but it is all being sifted through.

Even though the two processes seem different, they seem related to me.  It is all part of a larger thing that continues to work on my, and in my life.

I can only think this is some preparation for the next stage in my life, or a purification of some kind.  One of my teachers will say, words to the effect of, “I am not pure enough yet.”  Maybe this is a process of becoming pure enough.  For what I could not say…

 

 





Giving Yourself Away…

6 09 2015

From time to time over the years I have heard from people (mostly married women) that they have done everything they can to please their partner, and take care of their children or some combination of that.  They have sacrificed themselves in some way.  They feel they have compromised themselves for years for the relationship or to raise their children.  Maybe their mother was like this.  They put themselves in the space of being secondary.  There is a way they feel they are not truly existing.  They may feel life an appendage in the relationship or they feel they are the caretaker of their partner or the children or both.  The do not feel like they are a real person but something less than the others in the family.  Most of the time people who live this way eventually find they are so unfulfilled it is preferable to be a lone than to continue the relationship.

Serve is a noble activity, but sacrificing your very beingness to serve others is not necessary or even healthy.  We must all live as if we are worthy.  As if we have value.  We all have as much value as the others we are in relationship with.  If we sacrifice our humanity and become some servant android that takes care of everyone else’s needs we are not complete.  Not fulfilled.  We have sacrificed too much.  This is not service to those we love, it is servitude.  The thing about it is, it is self-imposed.  We feel we must do this role to please those we love.  We must be less than we truly are.  We stifle ourselves to meet our loved ones imagined expectations.  Often these expectations are not actually communicated but we think this is what is expected of us.  Certainly when we put ourselves aside and give in a way that is too much to another they are likely going to accept.  They will often not be conscious enough to realize that you are causing yourself harm by this kind of servitude, by selling yourself short.  By not being a full authentic person.

There is nothing about you that is small.  Do not exile yourself to a minor role in life that is not fulfilling.  You are unlimited.  You can have what fulfills you.  Do not train your loved ones to treat you as less than you truly are.  The amazing thing is that you are so powerful that you can reduce yourself down to a role that does not fulfill you in any way, and you can train others around you to treat you in such a way that it reinforces the role you have decided to play.

Now if you are playing this role to learn some deep life lesson that is part of the journey, but it that was what you are facing would you find yourself feeling less than or unfulfilled?  Do not be small, be you.  Your full authentic you.  Be the one you truly are rather than settle for a shadow of who and what you are.  Retrain yourself, and those around you that you are a powerful, equal being who is worthy of all that life can bring.  You are not small, you are so much more than that.  See yourself through the eyes of your most profound teachers.  They do not see a small being, they may see a being playing the game of small but they do not see small.  Be full blown.  Be all of it.  If your journey is to play small, then play small from a place of healthy power and intention.  Know that your are being small for a purpose, and if there is no purpose in the play then it may be time to change the script.  Time to grow into the your fullness.  You are not small.  You are not less.  You are not insignificant.  Those things do not exist for one of your nature.  You are unique, and amazing, and unlimited.





The Viewpoint

27 08 2015

I am moved tonight to talk about our viewpoint.  I read and post many things on facebook that I consider inspiration, and a contribution to our growth experience.  And then my photo work and some talented artists from time to time.  And what really has become clear is that people read all of these things from where they are sitting.  One person who has had a profound break through regarding sex, very often relates it to their sexual experiences even though the post is not implying this (to me) in anyway.

Another person may see sexual danger every where because they were abused as a child.  This abuse colors their whole life and everything seems to come back to that for them.  They see abusers in everything and every where.

Another person has been victimized in their early life and they have embraced the role of victim.  And everything seems to be an attack to them.  Someone is doing something to them, even when the post is about love and connection, for this one it comes back to the way we can abuse each other.  Also, this state of victim brings with it a sensitivity that constantly re-enforces the state of “victim.”  It is a very hard road to travel.  I understand it, I went PRO in being a victim until maybe 10 years ago and it was hard work to give up that position and take on a new one.  A similar thing happens with those who have taken a rescuer role.  The are constantly attempting to save another whose life is not working out well for them.  This shows up a lot when someone says I am having a hard time in my life around this issue.  The rescuer cannot just receive that communication but must do something to help or fix that person.  They explain a thing to the person, or they give advice, or tell a story that is meant to educate the other to have a better life.  The biggest disappointment to the rescuer is that the rescuee does not get rescued.  They just go on in their victim state  feeling the whole universe is out to get them.  The funny thing is that as long as they live in that state it is true.  The whole universe is out to get them and the beauty of it is that the victim can decide at any moment to take responsibility for everything in their life and the whole dynamic changes.  Now, they may move into another state but that victim state can be blown out simple by taking responsibility for everything in their life and circumstances.  At that point they no longer are victim to anything because they have taken responsibility for it all.  They are the cause and they have given up the main contributing factor, the state of victim.

The rescuer on the other hand has a different strategy to be free.  That person must let everyone else take responsibility for their lives.  When the rescuer is no longer taking responsibility for other people’s life, choices, consequences, and other behaviors that are not working they are free too.  It is exhausting to manage others.  It is ultimately much harder than managing ourselves but it does distract us from our reality and our own suffering.  We can focus on the life and problems of another who happens to be a victim or we focus on our own growth and life.

Our individual viewpoint is the filter we see life through.  It colors everything for us.  It is the brush we paint the world with.  Give up your position, whatever it is.  See the world with fresh eyes, see it from another perspective.  Do not get stuck in one way.  I know that our early childhood, and other experiences have created this position and it seems to be the only reality.  It is the way the world is.  If we were abused, there are abusers out there.  Imagine that some people were raised with safety and love; they have a different experience and a different position.  And even though that position is more pleasant and maybe fun to view life from; it is also a position.  Give them all up and open to how it really is.  Get that how you see it may not be the way it really is.  Check it out with other people and see how they view life and the world.  You will soon find that there are an unlimited amount of positions.  Do not get fixed in yours.  Let it flow and change, and be flexible.  And let yourself see life and situations the way they really are and not through the filter of your viewpoint.

Accept it all…





The Life Intensive

27 08 2015

My current process has been going on for several weeks at least.  It is likely my life stage.  I find myself doing an exploration of my life.  It goes on for hours and days…

It is not really a process involving regret.  Yes, there are mistakes I have made in life.  I have hurt others, I have hurt myself, I have made bad choices (many of them).  There are many things I could regret but I do not live in that place.  The examination is really about “consciousness in living,”  how I have conducted myself.  There are so many small examples of my unconsciousness that have been bubbling up over these long weeks.  Of course, these are all things from the past and I am not big on living in the past.  But this process is almost involuntary.  It is certainly not about shoulds and should nots, it is not about regrets, it is not about self-judgement.  It is about right living.  Where have I been conscious and made correct choices.  Where have I been unconscious and made poor choices.  I think the process is some form of life examination, an education so to speak.  I do not think we learn anything from being told what is right and wrong.  Behaviors can be forced on us, I suppose, with enough pressure and consequences, but really we learn from the mistakes we make.  The things we do that we later realize were wrong choices for us.  I believe this is the process I am in.  I am getting a deeper education but evolve in some way.  To learn the lessons I have resisted throughout my life.  Yes, I think that is what it is…  My previous resistance to learning certain things, or giving up a way of behaving.  I had a new lesson today and a deep area of life, which put me right back into this process again.  Remembering, sorting, sifting, evaluating the merits of these uncountable decisions that make up my life path.

And there have been profound changes in how I react to certain things and the decisions I make.  There are things that do not trigger me, that were huge at one time.  The anger reaction in me has become such a small part of life for me, when at one time it was such a large one.  Sifting, sorting, recognizing…  The Life Intensive continues to work its magic on me, to push me through experience, to round out the rough edges, to refine me in some way for some thing.  I am being worked, and worked, refined, and carved…  Life will not allow me to stop, to relax in it, but there is a pressure, a push, seeking…  Ah, the fate of a seeker.  And the process continues.

Life finds ways to break your heart, to break through those resistances that keep you from moving forward in whatever way is right for you.

Today my heart is broken, and tomorrow there will be something different.  Tomorrow I may feel strong and open to anything…  This always changes and it is part of the Life Intensive.  Breath, feel, acknowledge, live in it, do not avoid it…  It is the process that life is about.  We can avoid this process, we can drink, drug, sex, shop, numb to life in whatever we prefer, but life will still find ways to break our hearts.  If we are numb and avoiding we will not learn the lesson, or grow through the experience; and we will continue to get that experience until we face it and learn what is there for us to learn, and evolve, and change and grow and renew ourselves.

Allow this process to work on you.  Live in it, be with it, and enjoy it.  It is life, humaness, and the thing that will teach us.  The periods in our life when everything is easy and happy and working are not usually periods of growth but vacations from that work.  Examine your life, what are your greatest periods of growth?  Not the easy, joyful times.  I am not opposed to these times, enjoy them, embrace them too; but the growth, the gems, the realizations, the new ways of being come from the difficult experiences we create.  These are the precious things, the things that can propel us forward into change, and knowledge of our personal ethics.





The Goddess Broke My Heart (Pt 2)

22 04 2015

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum

This is what I refer to when I say “The Goddess Broke My Heart.”  Life, our friends, our choices, our circumstances will break us.  It is all designed to strip us down to our core beingness.  The more we resist our true nature, the more pressure is placed on us.  We are wounded more, we are torn down, and we struggle against life.  We do not embrace our challenges we resist.  Not only does this resistance create more suffering in ourselves but it also holds us back from the realization of the truth.  We fight back, we wallow in pain, we push the pain away, we numb ourselves through alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, food, shopping, or entertainment.

In the past few years I have made it a practice to actually embrace the challenges that life sends me.  I just accept the new circumstances of life.  This does not mean that I am not affected but I am not resisting.  I may go into deep fear, or other reactions that truly do not serve me but I do not resist.  This started many years ago when my practice brought me to a place where I felt the pain of all humankind.  I could feel it all, all the time and this lasted for months or weeks.  (The genesis of this blog came out of that experience).  And in that time I did not resits any of what I was feeling.  I accepted it and whatever it brought to me.  There were deep learnings in that period for me.  I can still access the pain of us all if I quiet my mind and sit with it for a moment.

As I have said over the past few blog posts I have been facing a dept of disturbance like to other in my life.  I have had so much happen.  My life has been shaken down to the core in many ways, and at the same time, although I have had anxiety and fear, I have not resisted.  I have worked to mitigate circumstances but that is taking action when action is needed.  But I have not resisted, not fought it, I have accepted it and taken responsibility for the circumstances I have faced.  The past eight months or so have been a difficult time for me.  Far more difficult than anything I ever expected to face.

Life has broken me again, in a far deeper and profound way then ever before.  I have had many moments of awareness, insights, and deep learning.  It has been life altering.  I have also at times felt the depth of my true nature, the part that is never threatened by anything.  The unshakable part of me that cannot be touched by the circumstances life throws at me.  Sometimes I have been lost in the emotional turmoil.  My body had been in the emergency mode of a constant flow of adrenaline.  And I have not resisted it.  I have accepted it all and felt it all.  I have welcomed it all, and at the same time I have attempted to learn and grow and make adjustments that would serve me and life better than my old choices and ways of doing life.

This is one reason life breaks us, to let go of the old patterns.  The destruction of so many parts of my life have served to make room for something new.  These changes may not be apparent to those around me but they are deep and profound.  Life has broken me down and forced my hand to change more than any other time in my life.  I feel the seeds of a totally new life.  Not in a physical sense, not like I will sell my house and move to an organic farm kind of way; but in a deeper way, in a way that is at the core of what and who I am, and how I see the world and others.

The Goddess Broke My Heart and in that breaking she has laid the seeds of renewal and another life that was unforeseeable before my heart was broken.  I have surrendered to the heartbreak and the change and the newness of what is next.

 





Realization

6 03 2015

I was considering my most recent post “What is Me” today.  I had a realization that the reason it has been so hard for the past six months or more is that I have changed a lot of the past several years.  Things that would be hard five years ago would not really phase me now.  Things that were hard ten years ago would not even register.  It seems that to get my get my attention things had to go very deep.  To be real to me, it  has to be a very serious situation.   I am stronger than I have been in the past, and I am more at peace (usually).  To really strip me down the the core for the next phase of development, whatever that is – things need to be serious enough to shake me to the foundations.  And this is that shaking…

I am ready for the shaking to stop now and for the rebuilding to begin.  I have learned so many things from all of this.  Things on the personal level, the business level, the spiritual level.  There are many lessons for me in all of this.

One big lesson is to take action when I know what action I should take.  There were changes I needed to make and I knew I needed to make them but I put them off or did not want to do what was hard.  I set things aside.  This is where the merely annoying and nagging was not enough to get my attention or to make the needed changes.  I know that the changes were going to cause a great disturbance in my life and in some other lives.  By not taking that action I have caused a reaction that goes very deep.  It was all taken out of my hands.  It was the thing I needed to do but did not face or confront.  I can be good at not confronting what needs to be confronted.  I like a peaceful life that moves along and things get handled as they come up.  The thing is that even though I knew I needed to make those changes I was personally doing well.  I was at peace, I was busy with the things in life I wanted to be busy with, I was in charge of my life for the most part.  And I was happy.  I was on cruise control in a way.

And then a cascade of events, all out of my control, took place; and life changed completely in just a few months.  The end result of those events is really the same as they would have been if I had made the changes that I knew I needed to make.  The difference is, instead of a controlled change over time it was a unstoppable force of nature that recreated my life and business.  It was not gentle, it was not controlled and it was a confluence of many factors and forces.  It caused a restructure in how I have done things, and a total change in business in certain business practices.

I am in awe of how many areas of my life are wrapped up in this wave of unstoppable change.  I cannot think of one aspect that has not been involved in some way.  I have rethought so many parts of me, and so many ways I have done things, and so much of life.  I am remembering myself as a young person these days.  There is a lot I have healed in myself from that time, but there was also a part of me that accepted people easily.  I think that I did not feel accepted myself and therefore, accepted others who were fringe dwellers.  Ah, the fringe dwellers of our society.  The seekers, the nerds, those that do not fit in with societal ideas of what we should be.

I think in this process not only are there changes going on but a reclamation of an earlier version of myself.  A plunge into a more innocent me.  It is strange – there is only one me but on another level, there seem to be many versions of me.  The me I was thinking of was in high school, then there was many version of me in the Army for so many years.  Who that really knows me now can really envision those version.  I cannot really even envision them.  Then all the post Army versions of me…  Through all of that there is a real me that does not change and is.  And from this place feeling stripped down to a core that me is apparent, and also I am in touch with all the version of me that I have experienced.  Strange to feel I have experienced me in so many different ways over the years.  It feels long and sometimes hard but it also is a flash.  It is one life in an eternity.  I just happens to be my present now.  This now is intense and raw and full of so much juice.

There is more change coming, it is the nature of this existence.  Everything is temporary.  This will all change.  Some day I will be gone and not long after that people will no longer know who I was in this life.  It all changes it all ends and it all evolves.  There is nothing to hold on to.  There is nothing to grieve.  There is nothing to lose.  It is all energy, constantly shifting, changing, and converting.  Breathe, any struggles will pass.  Learn what you need to learn from whatever life circumstance you face.  Breathe lean into it.  Live if fully.  Feel it fully.  Know that nothing in this life threatens the one that you are.  Nothing…  Embrace it all.  Change and growth are our constant companions…








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