Significance

3 07 2017

It has been a long time since I made a blog post.

In that time a lot has happened in my life on many fronts.  Some I have likely talked about and others I have not.

Today I was looking through my old blog posts and thought I would write.  And what is up for me is significance.

What I mean by that is that our mind is made of of significances.  Our mind makes everything more or less significant.  What happens in life is mostly neutral until our mind grabs a hold of it, and places some significance on it.  I have noticed this process of not placing significance on certain things over the past many years.  There are things I used to think were very important and effected me in a big way, that now I do not care about.  I am no longer placing significance on them.  It is hard to come up with the things I have stopped doing this with because I do not really put my attention on them anymore.

As I stop putting my attention on certain things, my mind stops placing significance on them.  And there is freedom in that.  In a way my mind has less control over my thoughts and feelings.  I have pulled out of the struggle with certain parts of life.  One of them is my family.  I stopped long ago wanting them to be a certain way.  I got they are only going to be the way there are.  They are not going to accept me in a way they haven’t.  They are certainly not going to get me as I am today, being very different than I was many years ago, and fitting into my little family niche, my family role, the good boy, or the big brother, or the adversary.  Or many other roles I may not actually have participated in, but was cast in for them to do their own personal play in the family dynamics.

This is just one area where I have stopped putting my attention on them to be a certain way, to meet some expectation I had, to meet my needs in a way that I felt I could not meet my own needs.  The dance of family that rarely feels satisfying to the dancing puppets that try to act a certain way to be accepted by the other dancing puppets who are doing the same.

With my family all I can do is get them to the best of my ability, and accept them the way they really are, and to have boundaries with them that keeps them from infringing on me in ways I do not want, while they continue with their family dynamic games.  I am more conscious of my roles, and decided which I might play or won’t play.  I strive to accept them the way their really are.  I think we tend to have less compassion for our families than we do for others in the world.  Of course our families deserve as much compassion as anyone else, they were just closer to us, and we saw the inside of what was going on.   We participated in what was going on.  We were part of what was going on.  Many of us are still wrapped up in that dance, and others have left the dance hall with the intention of no longer having contact with our former dance partners.  Neither of these is the path to freedom…

We must see the truth in ourselves, the others and the dance.  We do not have freedom in reactivity to the dynamics, either by continuing our participation, or rejecting it all.

We must seek freedom in ourselves.  Acknowledge those things that still trigger you about the others and meditate upon that until it is healed in you.  This is one way to let go of the struggle, to no longer put your attention on those things that have bothered you about the dance for so many years.  Sometimes we cannot do this on our own, and we need help.  Mind Clearing is a way to release those significances from the mind.  Enough Mind Clearing work can break up those stuck places we have lingering without ourselves.

I will likely write more on this in the future but for now…

Be well, and always seek freedom in yourself, and for others…

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Trusting a Man…

21 03 2016

This morning I have been thinking about what makes a man trustworthy.  Most of us would consider a man trustworthy if he keeps his word, if he says what he means, and if he stays within the boundaries and agreements of the relationship.

What comes to mind for me is a man who knows himself, who is grounded, who is unshakable in the face of the feminine storm.  A man who meets his partner with strength rather than anger and defensiveness, or withdrawal.  Rather than go into one of those defense strategies when faced with difficulty be present, be conscious, hold on to who you are.  Do not get lost in a response to the situation.  I have done both in my life.  A few years ago I was in a short relationship with someone who was pretty hurt and angry.  They took offense at nearly everything.  At first I was patient and in touch with my true nature but over time the attacks wore me down and I began to react.  First with defensiveness, then with anger, and finally with withdrawal.  None of those served either of us.  And as my reactivity grew the relationship further devolved and fractured.  Now, I am not saying this was a relationship that should have been nurtured but my reactions still haunt me.  Every time I fell into the trap of one of those coping strategies I felt I had failed.  I was not strong, I was not grounded, and I me.  And as this pattern continued I felt my strength eroded away.  The accusations and my defensiveness slowly undermined my groundedness, my stability, and my ability to stand firm in my true nature.  Of course my true nature was still there.  But I was losing touch with that one and the strength I had built up over time was failing me.  Most of all I felt like a failure.  I felt that I could not manage my reactions and myself.  In only a few weeks what I had worked so hard to attain seemed to be coming apart.  I was not trustable in this state of being that I fallen into.

For me to be truly trustworthy I must stay conscious, drop judgement, be grounded in the real me and approach life and relationship from that place.  If I lose my way then I lose my capacity to be conscious and make choices about how I will react to something.  When I lose touch with these things I react immediately instead of taking my time and allowing to correct response to arise.  The ability to do so comes from being stable and grounded.  Through meditative practices, through examination of my life and emotional states, through mind clearing, and other therapeutic processes.

To be absolutely trustworthy to the feminine heart a lapse in consciousness and going into reactivity is counter productive.  And every unconscious, defensive reaction takes time to heal.  Every one.  Not that we have to be perfect in anyway.  But be aware that when we react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal we have failed.  In that moment we are have lost trust.  These moments of of lost trust build up.  It is not one failing in this area that destroys the feminine trust in us, but many over time.  One time she says something to you that feels like an attack and accusation, and you come back with a defensive reply.  Another time she interrupts you at a task and you respond with anger for the interruption, rather than openness to her and what she brings.  Next time she does not bring it to you.  Another time she has an issues with something and instead of addressing it with her, you withdraw feeling hurt and accused.  Instead, give her your full attention.  listen to her fully, receive her communication, and take time wit your response.  Sometimes a response is not necessary, just receiving her communication in an open way is enough to calm her over the situation.  Get that you do not always have to “fix” it for her.  You can just receive it and let her clear it from her mind.  Sometimes just holding her, and having contact is enough.  Sometimes if is is something that hurt her an apology is the thing that breaks through to her heart.  Always be open and make it your goal to always foster closeness and openness between you.  Do not close to her when it is hard but open more.  This is the road to being worthy of the gift of her heart.





The Next Process

7 01 2016

I believe I am in a process of completion on many levels, and a clearing out process in my life.  I believe this is in preparation for something new, but there is more to be revealed.

This process (or maybe two processes) is coming in two flavors.

The first is difficult people.  I have had a series of people who have been unreasonable or displayed unnecessary anger with me.  It appears that these people have the idea that I have done something to them or wronged them in some way.  One made demands of me that i do something I already planned to do but they never gave room for a conversation, they just blasted me with anger, accusations, and aggression.  I said to them several times, “You do not have to yell at me.”   They would settle down for a a bit but ramp up again.  I never did get to tell them that what they wanted I had planned to do the whole time, and I am sure they think they bullied me into the course of action they wanted.

Another made a decision that was detrimental to me in a way, but not huge really (a business thing).  And when I asked them about it they acted again accusatory toward me.  I was shocked at how they reacted to me.  I have treated them with kindness and understand during the time of our association.  This person also refused to provide completely reasonable things that I need to complete work they were involved in.  There seems to be no reason to refuse (it is part of what they were doing for me), but every request is met with a problem.  I fail to understand what the problem is.

These are the two that come up right now, but not the only recent situations of strange interactions with people in recent months.  It seems there is some kind of process going on.  I am not sure if it people self-selecting out of my sphere and life, or something that needs to be completed within me, and these folks are my teachers in some area that is not clear to me.  Both these circumstances have elicited more anger than I typically have these days, so it might be in the emotional realm.  It could be that I will face these situations until I no longer have an angry reaction.  To be clear, I did not react toward them with anger but I had an internal reaction that was more than I want in my life.  It certainly has caused much self-reflection as these incidents have persisted to come up.

The other process or part of this one is related to the life examination I have been doing for the past several months.  That has relaxed quite a bit, but now I have the examination continues on a more subtle level.  I am involuntarily examining my very thoughts at different times with different people.  The process has been refined from the actions I have taken, and the situations I have created to the thoughts I have had, of course, mostly about others.  The thoughts I did not act on, the thoughts I did not express, the thoughts I forgot about years ago, are coming back to be examined and dealt with in some way.  That might be an apology or a realization, or something else, but it is all being sifted through.

Even though the two processes seem different, they seem related to me.  It is all part of a larger thing that continues to work on my, and in my life.

I can only think this is some preparation for the next stage in my life, or a purification of some kind.  One of my teachers will say, words to the effect of, “I am not pure enough yet.”  Maybe this is a process of becoming pure enough.  For what I could not say…

 

 





Giving Yourself Away…

6 09 2015

From time to time over the years I have heard from people (mostly married women) that they have done everything they can to please their partner, and take care of their children or some combination of that.  They have sacrificed themselves in some way.  They feel they have compromised themselves for years for the relationship or to raise their children.  Maybe their mother was like this.  They put themselves in the space of being secondary.  There is a way they feel they are not truly existing.  They may feel life an appendage in the relationship or they feel they are the caretaker of their partner or the children or both.  The do not feel like they are a real person but something less than the others in the family.  Most of the time people who live this way eventually find they are so unfulfilled it is preferable to be a lone than to continue the relationship.

Serve is a noble activity, but sacrificing your very beingness to serve others is not necessary or even healthy.  We must all live as if we are worthy.  As if we have value.  We all have as much value as the others we are in relationship with.  If we sacrifice our humanity and become some servant android that takes care of everyone else’s needs we are not complete.  Not fulfilled.  We have sacrificed too much.  This is not service to those we love, it is servitude.  The thing about it is, it is self-imposed.  We feel we must do this role to please those we love.  We must be less than we truly are.  We stifle ourselves to meet our loved ones imagined expectations.  Often these expectations are not actually communicated but we think this is what is expected of us.  Certainly when we put ourselves aside and give in a way that is too much to another they are likely going to accept.  They will often not be conscious enough to realize that you are causing yourself harm by this kind of servitude, by selling yourself short.  By not being a full authentic person.

There is nothing about you that is small.  Do not exile yourself to a minor role in life that is not fulfilling.  You are unlimited.  You can have what fulfills you.  Do not train your loved ones to treat you as less than you truly are.  The amazing thing is that you are so powerful that you can reduce yourself down to a role that does not fulfill you in any way, and you can train others around you to treat you in such a way that it reinforces the role you have decided to play.

Now if you are playing this role to learn some deep life lesson that is part of the journey, but it that was what you are facing would you find yourself feeling less than or unfulfilled?  Do not be small, be you.  Your full authentic you.  Be the one you truly are rather than settle for a shadow of who and what you are.  Retrain yourself, and those around you that you are a powerful, equal being who is worthy of all that life can bring.  You are not small, you are so much more than that.  See yourself through the eyes of your most profound teachers.  They do not see a small being, they may see a being playing the game of small but they do not see small.  Be full blown.  Be all of it.  If your journey is to play small, then play small from a place of healthy power and intention.  Know that your are being small for a purpose, and if there is no purpose in the play then it may be time to change the script.  Time to grow into the your fullness.  You are not small.  You are not less.  You are not insignificant.  Those things do not exist for one of your nature.  You are unique, and amazing, and unlimited.





Emotional States

27 08 2015

A friend wrote:

Much as I’d like to think I have it all figured out,

…I’m curious what my male friends think of my take on feelings, men, women, etc. in this comment I made earlier today below a post on feelings:

Feelings do NOT equal “crazy” or “drama” or whatever other bullshit people put on them. Feelings are a deep, natural part of who we are and IMO they are our connection to spirit. If one is not in touch with their feelings, they can’t feel ANYTHING very deeply. Including promptings, intuitions, etc. Our culture is emotion-phobic and feelings are treated as this foreign thing we are supposed to either control or pretend not to have-even though they inform a huge portion of our choices! Hello-! I believe the reason so many people fear feelings is that we have ignored them and therefore have NO idea how to use them, listen to them, direct and channel them in responsible healthy ways. For example, we fear anger because most of us have only seen it used irresponsibly in ways that cause harm. So we judge the feeling, not separating it from the way it is expressed. I think men have a hard time with feelings in women because women, again, have not been taught to honor and express our own feelings in a healthy manner. Out of a lack of knowing better, we have taken our feelings out on men, blamed them, and made them ‘responsible’ for how we feel.

As a result, sadly, most men now feel somewhat panicked or overwhelmed when they sense big feelings in a woman. They fear they are going to be blamed or expected to do something and are often not sure what. If they are our partner or family member or someone we are close to, they value us, care about our feelings, and want to feel they can help us feel good and be happy, and when we don’t, they fear they will be blamed, attacked, have expectations put on them that they don’t know how to meet or otherwise feel inadequate somehow. SO they have a negative association with us having strong feelings. On top of all that, they have been trained more deeply than we have to avoid feelings. Feelings are seen as weak in the male world of this culture and men who have been expressive have usually been shamed deeply and attacked (even physically brutalized) by other males. So there are TONS of reason for men to feel uncomfortable with feelings. I think women can help in healing this by learning to befriend, work with, and take responsibility for our own feelings, and to create a sense of safety around feelings with men. Absolutely first thing is to become comfortable with them ourselves, IMO.

Which prompted the following response in me:

I see this issue on two levels.

First I will address emotional states in general.  Our emotional states usually come and go.  One moment we may feel happy, another sad, and any other emotion may come upon us quickly.  This morning I saw a video of Alanis Morrisette singing a song, and that prompted me to find another video by her on YouTube.  Both those songs brought up emotions in me.  The first made me smile and there was an opening toward her.  It has a happy feeling mostly but mixed.  The second song made me cry, not in sadness but it was not happiness either.  It was a different emotional state. Things, songs, sounds, voices, smells, things we see, words, tone of voice, our thoughts can all evoke an emotional state.  I recently worked with someone who had a huge anger response to a simple phrase said to them by their partner.  And if this phrase was said they were going to have an argument.  It was not a confrontive phrase but it reminded the person of a situation in childhood.  These are all emotional states and usually we flow from one to another through the day.  Sometimes we get in a particular emotional state for a period of time, maybe days but rarely for longer.  These states are meant to change.  Sometimes we feel that we should not allow our state to change for some reason.  If someone passes away, we may feel that we are not showing love by being sad, but our states shift and change.  We might be in deep grief and then something strikes us an funny and we are shift for a time out of our grief.

A problem develops when I emotional states become fixed.  When we get stuck in a certain one and cannot seem to shift from it.  This is really a different discussion but I wanted to mention it here.  I will do another post on fixed states one day and this will include not only fixed emotional states to fixed states of thought.

The thing about these states is we get caught up in them.  We feel them in our body, and we get very involved in them.  The thing is they are transitory.  They change from moment to moment.  Sometimes those moments may feel long but they are still transitory.  We take them very seriously though.  In that moment it is our reality.  It is the only thing that exists, and we can go deep into it.  Many parents have developed the skill to distract their child when they are in an emotional state that is not working for some reason.  We are all like this we can be distracted from these states.  There is a way they are so serious to us, and a way they are not serious at all.

So, what do we do?  I think we just allow ourselves to feel them.  Do not resist them, push them aside, try to get others not to feel them or interrupt the process in someway.  Just feel them.  Allow yourself to go through what you are going through, and those around you also.  Now there is a responsibility in this depending what emotional state you are experiencing.  If you are angry, do not abuse others emotionally, verbally, or physically.  In the midst of that particular emotion it might be better to separate yourself and fully express that emotion in a safe place where you can get it out verbally and even physically without cause harm to others or property.  That may mean beating on your mattress to get it out, or another method to release it from your body.  Feel it and release it, especially if it is sadness or anger.  Do not try to hold them in but release them out, just not in a way that causes harm to others.  So many people want to try and resolve something when they are angry but we are usually not emotionally prepared to negotiate or problem solve in those moments.  Usually, we just kind of want what we want.  We want someone to stop doing something or do something in a different way.  I find that adjusting our own behavior is difficult enough, trying to adjust someone else’s is almost impossible.  Which is why couples often say to me, I told them a million times and they haven’t stopped, or changed, or done this for me, etc.

If the emotional state is triggered by another person then there may be a discussion to have with the other person, and also their is likely internal work to do to resolve in you whatever it is that is being triggered.  I have found during my journey through all of this is that when I resolve something in me that bothers me in others I find that thing in others does not bother me anymore.  It just becomes an issue that no longer care about.  This is like the couple I mentioned earlier.  When we identified the early age issue with the one person, just identified it, it lost a lot of its power over them.  Has it been resolved?  Not yet, but it has only been identified.  Everyone now understands where this reaction comes from and that it is not actually the person they are in relationship with but an issue within themselves.

Now this does not mean that there are not larger issues that need to be resolve in one way or another.  Say infidelity.  This is a huge issue that the triggers may have roots in the past with the person reacting to it, but it is also a systemic problem in the relationship that will likely need to be resolve for that relationship to continue.  Now the resolution may come in many different forms.  Maybe the person who has been unfaithful gets how destructive it is to the relationship and adjusts their behavior (which then brings up the whole issue of trust in the relationship but that is a different issue), or the other person in the relationship decides they want to stay in the relationship even in the face of that behavior and knowing it happens, or may the couple decides to enter an open relationship that is or is not honest about outside relationships, or the person decides to have their own affairs to make it all “fair” and can cope with it that way, or the relationship ends because the issue is not manageable for them.

Anger is probably the emotional state that causes the most disruption in relationships.

There is so much more going on. There is a whole masculine/feminine energy thing that happens. And that is a whole area of study. There are things, emotional expression is one, that are part of this energy. In the east they talk about the Shiva and Shakti energies and this is what I am alluding to.

Also, there is this whole thing where we take our emotions too seriously. Yes, we have them they exist. In both masculine and feminine but we do not have to get all caught up in it. I am not talking about denying them or pushing them aside. We should not resist but just feel them, and know that they will pass and we will have different emotions later. Emotions are like the weather. They come and they go and they will always be changing. We just get all caught up in them like they are important. They are not important but they are real and should be fully experienced. Now the thing about anger is that most of us need to be trained in appropriate expression of anger. It drives me crazy when I work with parents who try to suppress anger in their children. Anger is another emotion and it is okay, but it is not okay to hit others, curse others, scream at others… It is okay to express it out of our bodies – actually it is essential. I believe that repressed anger and sadness are the cause of many illnesses in our society. Get them out. Be angry in an appropriate way without emotional harm or physical harm to others. Feel your sadness and express it as it arises. Do not hold back but do not inflict them on others.

Lastly, when you know your true nature all of this changes for you (over time). You are less invested in all this. A masculine person (not necessarily a man) should know themselves, find their way of being grounded. They should learn toe steadiness that is unshakable so their feminine partner has a space to express their emotions in a safe way. Their masculine partner can handle all they have. Their is space for them to get it all out. Be strong enough to accept all they have to give. There are teachings to work through all of this. Although it is a journey.

Do not resist but also do not wallow….





Relationships…

7 04 2014

There are three pillars that any relationship are built upon.  If one of these three pillars is absent or much reduced then the relationship begins to struggle in some way.

The three pillars are Affinity, Reality and Communication.  In subsequent blog posts I am going to explore each of these pillars individually.

What is interesting about these pillars is that they can be affected by just one person in the relationship and further that person can improve them.   This idea of one person being able to impact the relationship by recognizing which pillar or pillars is out of balance or has been lowered in some way is in line with my larger view of relationships and the idea that to have a good relationship we must give up this idea of getting our needs met , or using the relationship to get something from the other.  Instead of using the person you are in a relationship to get your needs met – serve them in the relationship.  Feel into them and do what serves there deepest heart.  Ultimately, this is much more satisfying than and actually less effort than trying to get them to do something they might not even want to do to get some need met.   Meeting our needs in this way is actually an indirect communication.  No one taught most of us to communicate our wants and needs directly with others.  The example most of us had was to work to get these needs met through indirect ways.  Actually, manipulation of the others we are in relationship with.

We think if we get angry they will stop doing something we don’t want them to do, or if we get defensive they will not do or say whatever it is that triggered our defensiveness.   Many of us also expect that those in relationship with us will somehow automatically know what it is we want and do it or say it or whatever it is we want from them.  Of course the other has no idea what it is we want from them and therefore they are not giving it to us, and really have no way of doing so.

To make things more complicated we are often looking for those in our lives to provide us with happiness or to make us complete in someway that we feel a lack or we are missing something.  Of course, when we really think about it – others cannot truly make us happy.  They have no way of knowing exactly what to say or do to make us happy, and even when the stars align just right and they say or do exactly what we want them to, that satisfaction does not last.   It may meet that internal need for a minute, an hour, a day or a week but it is not a long term fix to what we feel a lack of inside of us.  These are the needs we are trying to get met.  The things we feel we lack somehow.  Maybe our parents did not love us in a way that we got it so therefore we did not feel loved; which often results in feelings of being unloved, or accepted, or belonging, or not worthy.    So then we want others in our life to give us that thing that we felt we did not get from our parents.  We want them to meet this need – to give us what we felt we did not get in our childhood, and we want it the way that we always thought we wanted it from our parents.  Of course that is not usually possible for this one in our lives and then we feel they are still not getting that need met.  They are not doing what we need and we feel the relationship is not meeting our needs it is not taking care of us in the way we were always not taken care of by our parents.

The answer to this dilemma is to resolve the perceived unmet need within ourselves, find the happiness within ourselves.  To meet our own needs through resolution of these early life conflicts.  Through meditation, deep therapeutic processes, and nurturing ourselves.   We need to meet our needs ourselves, so we can have productive and loving relationships.  Also, by learning to communicate directly with others we will improve our relationships.  When we learn to quit using indirect means to communicate what is going on for us with others.

Another thing that can help us resolve these early age feelings of  lack is to discover our true nature.  From that place when we truly know who and what we are, we can come to resolution with these early age conflicts.

The answer is not within another but it is within us.  Let us all work to resolve our core conflicts and let those we are relationships with off the hook to make us feel we are okay.

Some will take this information to mean we should put up with anything from others in relationship.  That is not the purpose of this information.  If you are in a relationship where you are belittled, abuse or neglected in someway then you likely need to make a change in the status of your relationship with that person.  None of this is to say that those we are in relationship do not have the responsibility to treat us with love and respect.  Just that we should not expect them to somehow meet all our internal wants and needs that are a result of our entire life in many ways, and are not a result of the relationship we are currently engaged in.








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