Trusting a Man…

21 03 2016

This morning I have been thinking about what makes a man trustworthy.  Most of us would consider a man trustworthy if he keeps his word, if he says what he means, and if he stays within the boundaries and agreements of the relationship.

What comes to mind for me is a man who knows himself, who is grounded, who is unshakable in the face of the feminine storm.  A man who meets his partner with strength rather than anger and defensiveness, or withdrawal.  Rather than go into one of those defense strategies when faced with difficulty be present, be conscious, hold on to who you are.  Do not get lost in a response to the situation.  I have done both in my life.  A few years ago I was in a short relationship with someone who was pretty hurt and angry.  They took offense at nearly everything.  At first I was patient and in touch with my true nature but over time the attacks wore me down and I began to react.  First with defensiveness, then with anger, and finally with withdrawal.  None of those served either of us.  And as my reactivity grew the relationship further devolved and fractured.  Now, I am not saying this was a relationship that should have been nurtured but my reactions still haunt me.  Every time I fell into the trap of one of those coping strategies I felt I had failed.  I was not strong, I was not grounded, and I me.  And as this pattern continued I felt my strength eroded away.  The accusations and my defensiveness slowly undermined my groundedness, my stability, and my ability to stand firm in my true nature.  Of course my true nature was still there.  But I was losing touch with that one and the strength I had built up over time was failing me.  Most of all I felt like a failure.  I felt that I could not manage my reactions and myself.  In only a few weeks what I had worked so hard to attain seemed to be coming apart.  I was not trustable in this state of being that I fallen into.

For me to be truly trustworthy I must stay conscious, drop judgement, be grounded in the real me and approach life and relationship from that place.  If I lose my way then I lose my capacity to be conscious and make choices about how I will react to something.  When I lose touch with these things I react immediately instead of taking my time and allowing to correct response to arise.  The ability to do so comes from being stable and grounded.  Through meditative practices, through examination of my life and emotional states, through mind clearing, and other therapeutic processes.

To be absolutely trustworthy to the feminine heart a lapse in consciousness and going into reactivity is counter productive.  And every unconscious, defensive reaction takes time to heal.  Every one.  Not that we have to be perfect in anyway.  But be aware that when we react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal we have failed.  In that moment we are have lost trust.  These moments of of lost trust build up.  It is not one failing in this area that destroys the feminine trust in us, but many over time.  One time she says something to you that feels like an attack and accusation, and you come back with a defensive reply.  Another time she interrupts you at a task and you respond with anger for the interruption, rather than openness to her and what she brings.  Next time she does not bring it to you.  Another time she has an issues with something and instead of addressing it with her, you withdraw feeling hurt and accused.  Instead, give her your full attention.  listen to her fully, receive her communication, and take time wit your response.  Sometimes a response is not necessary, just receiving her communication in an open way is enough to calm her over the situation.  Get that you do not always have to “fix” it for her.  You can just receive it and let her clear it from her mind.  Sometimes just holding her, and having contact is enough.  Sometimes if is is something that hurt her an apology is the thing that breaks through to her heart.  Always be open and make it your goal to always foster closeness and openness between you.  Do not close to her when it is hard but open more.  This is the road to being worthy of the gift of her heart.

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The Worry Box…

15 11 2015

Today, as we get close to the new year, I am going to talk about the Worry Box.

On my Energy Table (some would refer to as an alter) I have placed a Worry Box.  This box is used to place those things that I worry about.  I put them on a sheet of paper and place them in the box as a way of externalizing the worries.

From time to time I will look through those things I have placed in the box and to review them and to find out what has resolved.  When something has been resolved in some way, I will burn that piece of paper and put it in a container that is also on my energy table for the purpose of accepting those ashes.  At the end of the year (coming soon) I take those ashes outside and release them.

I find that when I put my worries in the box I no longer hold them in my mind in the same way.  They are released in a way.  This does not mean I do not give them appropriate attention when necessary or action needs to be taken to resolve a particular worry.  I find that often it is just a worry of some kind that my mind has made up, and no action is necessary.  Other times it is something that needs to be done but it is a longer term project that cannot be resolved any time soon, which will need action at some point or maybe over time.

Releasing the worries from my mind let’s me relax in life, and releases my life energy that I hold to worry about the issue in the first place.  At times, when it is not an issue that needs action, it gets released from my mind in a way that I forget about it.  This is the power of the Worry Box.

There will eventually be more information available about the Energy Table and all the components we use with it.  More to be revealed…

I hope everyone has a joyful holiday season and new year.

 





Processes…

26 09 2015

My current process continues.  I continue to reexamine my life and it is a painful process.

What I understand about this process is that I have been on a serious journey for many years of growth and healing and I have arrived at a certain place; where I am look at my life with more consciousness.  I think that my progress has stopped for now and this examination of my previous actions and decisions and situations and circumstances is a clearing out of the unconsciousness that I lived in and with in previous levels of development or nondevelopment (whichever applies).

It seems I have to do a kind of karma clearing on my previous level of consciousness.  There are so many things that I have done that I would not do now, that I decided that I would not decide now.  Situations that I put myself in that I would not do so now.  Relationships that I entered that I would not enter now.  Decisions I have made that I would not make now.

In a way I could say I was not completely sane, and made decisions from that not completely sane place.  Now I am a different person, in a different place in my beingness and consciousness.  I would not make of those decisions I made in the past.  One of the bigger changes is that I made many decisions from the needs of my ego, and my neuroses; rather than a place of consciousness and my and others greatest good.

Like other processes I have been through this is one that I am not resisting or trying to stop it.  I just let it roll through my life as I go through it and my daily activities.  In a way I am not attached to it, and it a way I am very attached to it.  I know that this process will end one day.  Maybe this week, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, and when it is done there will be another process.  That process will begin when it is ready.  It will likely not be right away after this one ends, it could be a year it could be days.  And I know that process will be different, and hit me in a totally different area of my life.

It is all a purification process.  Sometimes I think the more work I do, the more conscious I become the more there is to do.  I am ready for this process to continue until it is done, and I am ready for the next process.  It seems there is always a next process.

It all continues.  There is always something to learn.  More to purify.  More to clear from our mind and consciousness.  This will continue for a long time to come.





The Viewpoint

27 08 2015

I am moved tonight to talk about our viewpoint.  I read and post many things on facebook that I consider inspiration, and a contribution to our growth experience.  And then my photo work and some talented artists from time to time.  And what really has become clear is that people read all of these things from where they are sitting.  One person who has had a profound break through regarding sex, very often relates it to their sexual experiences even though the post is not implying this (to me) in anyway.

Another person may see sexual danger every where because they were abused as a child.  This abuse colors their whole life and everything seems to come back to that for them.  They see abusers in everything and every where.

Another person has been victimized in their early life and they have embraced the role of victim.  And everything seems to be an attack to them.  Someone is doing something to them, even when the post is about love and connection, for this one it comes back to the way we can abuse each other.  Also, this state of victim brings with it a sensitivity that constantly re-enforces the state of “victim.”  It is a very hard road to travel.  I understand it, I went PRO in being a victim until maybe 10 years ago and it was hard work to give up that position and take on a new one.  A similar thing happens with those who have taken a rescuer role.  The are constantly attempting to save another whose life is not working out well for them.  This shows up a lot when someone says I am having a hard time in my life around this issue.  The rescuer cannot just receive that communication but must do something to help or fix that person.  They explain a thing to the person, or they give advice, or tell a story that is meant to educate the other to have a better life.  The biggest disappointment to the rescuer is that the rescuee does not get rescued.  They just go on in their victim state  feeling the whole universe is out to get them.  The funny thing is that as long as they live in that state it is true.  The whole universe is out to get them and the beauty of it is that the victim can decide at any moment to take responsibility for everything in their life and the whole dynamic changes.  Now, they may move into another state but that victim state can be blown out simple by taking responsibility for everything in their life and circumstances.  At that point they no longer are victim to anything because they have taken responsibility for it all.  They are the cause and they have given up the main contributing factor, the state of victim.

The rescuer on the other hand has a different strategy to be free.  That person must let everyone else take responsibility for their lives.  When the rescuer is no longer taking responsibility for other people’s life, choices, consequences, and other behaviors that are not working they are free too.  It is exhausting to manage others.  It is ultimately much harder than managing ourselves but it does distract us from our reality and our own suffering.  We can focus on the life and problems of another who happens to be a victim or we focus on our own growth and life.

Our individual viewpoint is the filter we see life through.  It colors everything for us.  It is the brush we paint the world with.  Give up your position, whatever it is.  See the world with fresh eyes, see it from another perspective.  Do not get stuck in one way.  I know that our early childhood, and other experiences have created this position and it seems to be the only reality.  It is the way the world is.  If we were abused, there are abusers out there.  Imagine that some people were raised with safety and love; they have a different experience and a different position.  And even though that position is more pleasant and maybe fun to view life from; it is also a position.  Give them all up and open to how it really is.  Get that how you see it may not be the way it really is.  Check it out with other people and see how they view life and the world.  You will soon find that there are an unlimited amount of positions.  Do not get fixed in yours.  Let it flow and change, and be flexible.  And let yourself see life and situations the way they really are and not through the filter of your viewpoint.

Accept it all…





Emotional States

27 08 2015

A friend wrote:

Much as I’d like to think I have it all figured out,

…I’m curious what my male friends think of my take on feelings, men, women, etc. in this comment I made earlier today below a post on feelings:

Feelings do NOT equal “crazy” or “drama” or whatever other bullshit people put on them. Feelings are a deep, natural part of who we are and IMO they are our connection to spirit. If one is not in touch with their feelings, they can’t feel ANYTHING very deeply. Including promptings, intuitions, etc. Our culture is emotion-phobic and feelings are treated as this foreign thing we are supposed to either control or pretend not to have-even though they inform a huge portion of our choices! Hello-! I believe the reason so many people fear feelings is that we have ignored them and therefore have NO idea how to use them, listen to them, direct and channel them in responsible healthy ways. For example, we fear anger because most of us have only seen it used irresponsibly in ways that cause harm. So we judge the feeling, not separating it from the way it is expressed. I think men have a hard time with feelings in women because women, again, have not been taught to honor and express our own feelings in a healthy manner. Out of a lack of knowing better, we have taken our feelings out on men, blamed them, and made them ‘responsible’ for how we feel.

As a result, sadly, most men now feel somewhat panicked or overwhelmed when they sense big feelings in a woman. They fear they are going to be blamed or expected to do something and are often not sure what. If they are our partner or family member or someone we are close to, they value us, care about our feelings, and want to feel they can help us feel good and be happy, and when we don’t, they fear they will be blamed, attacked, have expectations put on them that they don’t know how to meet or otherwise feel inadequate somehow. SO they have a negative association with us having strong feelings. On top of all that, they have been trained more deeply than we have to avoid feelings. Feelings are seen as weak in the male world of this culture and men who have been expressive have usually been shamed deeply and attacked (even physically brutalized) by other males. So there are TONS of reason for men to feel uncomfortable with feelings. I think women can help in healing this by learning to befriend, work with, and take responsibility for our own feelings, and to create a sense of safety around feelings with men. Absolutely first thing is to become comfortable with them ourselves, IMO.

Which prompted the following response in me:

I see this issue on two levels.

First I will address emotional states in general.  Our emotional states usually come and go.  One moment we may feel happy, another sad, and any other emotion may come upon us quickly.  This morning I saw a video of Alanis Morrisette singing a song, and that prompted me to find another video by her on YouTube.  Both those songs brought up emotions in me.  The first made me smile and there was an opening toward her.  It has a happy feeling mostly but mixed.  The second song made me cry, not in sadness but it was not happiness either.  It was a different emotional state. Things, songs, sounds, voices, smells, things we see, words, tone of voice, our thoughts can all evoke an emotional state.  I recently worked with someone who had a huge anger response to a simple phrase said to them by their partner.  And if this phrase was said they were going to have an argument.  It was not a confrontive phrase but it reminded the person of a situation in childhood.  These are all emotional states and usually we flow from one to another through the day.  Sometimes we get in a particular emotional state for a period of time, maybe days but rarely for longer.  These states are meant to change.  Sometimes we feel that we should not allow our state to change for some reason.  If someone passes away, we may feel that we are not showing love by being sad, but our states shift and change.  We might be in deep grief and then something strikes us an funny and we are shift for a time out of our grief.

A problem develops when I emotional states become fixed.  When we get stuck in a certain one and cannot seem to shift from it.  This is really a different discussion but I wanted to mention it here.  I will do another post on fixed states one day and this will include not only fixed emotional states to fixed states of thought.

The thing about these states is we get caught up in them.  We feel them in our body, and we get very involved in them.  The thing is they are transitory.  They change from moment to moment.  Sometimes those moments may feel long but they are still transitory.  We take them very seriously though.  In that moment it is our reality.  It is the only thing that exists, and we can go deep into it.  Many parents have developed the skill to distract their child when they are in an emotional state that is not working for some reason.  We are all like this we can be distracted from these states.  There is a way they are so serious to us, and a way they are not serious at all.

So, what do we do?  I think we just allow ourselves to feel them.  Do not resist them, push them aside, try to get others not to feel them or interrupt the process in someway.  Just feel them.  Allow yourself to go through what you are going through, and those around you also.  Now there is a responsibility in this depending what emotional state you are experiencing.  If you are angry, do not abuse others emotionally, verbally, or physically.  In the midst of that particular emotion it might be better to separate yourself and fully express that emotion in a safe place where you can get it out verbally and even physically without cause harm to others or property.  That may mean beating on your mattress to get it out, or another method to release it from your body.  Feel it and release it, especially if it is sadness or anger.  Do not try to hold them in but release them out, just not in a way that causes harm to others.  So many people want to try and resolve something when they are angry but we are usually not emotionally prepared to negotiate or problem solve in those moments.  Usually, we just kind of want what we want.  We want someone to stop doing something or do something in a different way.  I find that adjusting our own behavior is difficult enough, trying to adjust someone else’s is almost impossible.  Which is why couples often say to me, I told them a million times and they haven’t stopped, or changed, or done this for me, etc.

If the emotional state is triggered by another person then there may be a discussion to have with the other person, and also their is likely internal work to do to resolve in you whatever it is that is being triggered.  I have found during my journey through all of this is that when I resolve something in me that bothers me in others I find that thing in others does not bother me anymore.  It just becomes an issue that no longer care about.  This is like the couple I mentioned earlier.  When we identified the early age issue with the one person, just identified it, it lost a lot of its power over them.  Has it been resolved?  Not yet, but it has only been identified.  Everyone now understands where this reaction comes from and that it is not actually the person they are in relationship with but an issue within themselves.

Now this does not mean that there are not larger issues that need to be resolve in one way or another.  Say infidelity.  This is a huge issue that the triggers may have roots in the past with the person reacting to it, but it is also a systemic problem in the relationship that will likely need to be resolve for that relationship to continue.  Now the resolution may come in many different forms.  Maybe the person who has been unfaithful gets how destructive it is to the relationship and adjusts their behavior (which then brings up the whole issue of trust in the relationship but that is a different issue), or the other person in the relationship decides they want to stay in the relationship even in the face of that behavior and knowing it happens, or may the couple decides to enter an open relationship that is or is not honest about outside relationships, or the person decides to have their own affairs to make it all “fair” and can cope with it that way, or the relationship ends because the issue is not manageable for them.

Anger is probably the emotional state that causes the most disruption in relationships.

There is so much more going on. There is a whole masculine/feminine energy thing that happens. And that is a whole area of study. There are things, emotional expression is one, that are part of this energy. In the east they talk about the Shiva and Shakti energies and this is what I am alluding to.

Also, there is this whole thing where we take our emotions too seriously. Yes, we have them they exist. In both masculine and feminine but we do not have to get all caught up in it. I am not talking about denying them or pushing them aside. We should not resist but just feel them, and know that they will pass and we will have different emotions later. Emotions are like the weather. They come and they go and they will always be changing. We just get all caught up in them like they are important. They are not important but they are real and should be fully experienced. Now the thing about anger is that most of us need to be trained in appropriate expression of anger. It drives me crazy when I work with parents who try to suppress anger in their children. Anger is another emotion and it is okay, but it is not okay to hit others, curse others, scream at others… It is okay to express it out of our bodies – actually it is essential. I believe that repressed anger and sadness are the cause of many illnesses in our society. Get them out. Be angry in an appropriate way without emotional harm or physical harm to others. Feel your sadness and express it as it arises. Do not hold back but do not inflict them on others.

Lastly, when you know your true nature all of this changes for you (over time). You are less invested in all this. A masculine person (not necessarily a man) should know themselves, find their way of being grounded. They should learn toe steadiness that is unshakable so their feminine partner has a space to express their emotions in a safe way. Their masculine partner can handle all they have. Their is space for them to get it all out. Be strong enough to accept all they have to give. There are teachings to work through all of this. Although it is a journey.

Do not resist but also do not wallow….





The Way It Really Is…

10 10 2014

We are strange beings…

We will fool ourselves in many ways….

I am going to introduce and idea…

The idea is – Life is just the way it is…

But we seem to be experts with coming up with an alternative reality.  We think that it is a different way.  We are good at this.

Sometimes we do not want to face something.  We do not want to know how it really is.  We do not want to accept something or face something.  We create a scenario in our minds that we then accept that scenario.  An example can be that we are in a relationship with someone else who is not really that interested in us.  They are there for their own reasons but that reason is not love.  It may be sex, security, companionship, or many other reasons.  We have many needs that are not met in our everyday life that can only be met through a relationship of some kind.  (I would argue the whole reason we are here is to have these relationships).  So in our example, we have our idea about the relationship and everything is filtered through that perception.  That perception colors our reality about the situation.  We see it through that perception.  Most commonly we see the relationship the way we want it to be rather than the way it really is.  So in our example relationship, we may see the person we are involved with as wanting the same things we want in the relationship but they do not seem to be giving it to us and we are frustrated but cannot really put our finger on the cause.  We cannot identify it because we have come up with our own story about the relationship.

The key is to not fool ourselves anymore.  Accept things they really are, not they way we would like them to be or how we have constructed them to be.

When we begin to accept things the way they really are life changes completely.   We can then make changes when certain things are not working for us.  If we see things they way we want to them to be rather than how they really are we cannot change things.  We are not working with the reality of the situation but our construct of the situation.  This impedes our ability to have the life we want because we are not facing life situations in their reality.

It sounds easy.  Accept things they way they really are.  Do not let your mind and emotions continue to delude you about how things really are.

This is a journey…  Join me on this journey.





Amazing…

4 04 2014

A week or so ago I was going through my day, taking care of some errands and tasks I needed to do for work.  I was on my way to another city and as I left town I thought I would stop in at a facility to complete and task and drop some things off.  I went to the receptionist behind a window (for her protection in this kind of facility) and asked for the person I wanted to drop things off with.  The woman asked my name and then went to look for the person  asked for.  She came back in a short time and said that the person I was looking for was not in.  And then she followed that up with the comment that she reads this blog.  I was so surprised.   Of course I know some people read it, and I guess because it is the internet those people could be anywhere in the country, or possibly in the world (Lionel) but this person is in my local community and works a few miles from my home.

It was an amazing moment.  And since then I have pondered our connections with people.   The internet and blogging and connecting with people from all over is one thing.  In a way it does not feel real.  Of course, sometimes people comment on the blog or facebook or maybe even twitter but meeting someone that reads it brought a whole new awareness to me about it and our connections with each other.  It made it real in a different way for me. In a way, it has brought a new level of responsibility to my writing.  Like people read what I write.  And some of them are people who I might meet.  I guess it has taken it out of the realm of anonymity to being a public person who is known on some level.

It also has pushed me into a deeper exploration of our connection.  We perceive our reality in one way with a feeling of being separate  for many of us, or even most of us.   Separated from each other or the things we come in contact with.  We are here, and everything else is there.  There being somewhere outside of the here that is this one, or our individual usness.  Our own isness.   We obvious exist, but it is not always as obvious that things outside of us exist, that others exist.  Our perspective is from us, it is from our own center.  From inside our head or right behind our eyes.  There is a way that the way we perceive the world is from that perspective.  In a way it does not leave room to really perceive others as the same as we are because the isness of what we are is so much RIGHT HERE, it is so much WHERE WE ARE LIVING.

But there are others out there.  Everything is another from us.  Even a rock, or an animal, or this keyboard I am banging on right now.  The screen I occasionally look at to see if I can spell today.  It is all otherness in its own way.  Otherness, because it is not within us, or me or I.  It is something else or it at least feels that way.

But meeting that person the other day, drove home that their is also a connection.  That on some level our spearaetness is an illusion, that the idea of another outside of myself does not make sense.  somehow it is all connected, it is all the same, it is all being communicated across whatever gulf we imagine is between our beingness and something we see as not us.  Even through this medium of electronic communication the separation falls away and another is reading this and connecting not just with my words, ideas, concepts and thoughts but with me.  We are somehow together in this world, there is not really any aloneness.  We are completely isolated beings who rub against each other in the world from time to time.  There is more to our connection than that.

Our world built on duality allows us to perceive ourselves as unconnected, as alone, as individuals and our ego reinforces that perception.  It is important, unique, the one who exists, even though it questions the existence of others or otherness.  This ego part perpetuates our perceived importance.  I sometimes think this is one reason people are constantly predicting the end of the world or our civilization in the near future.  The ego cannot comprehend that the world could continue without this one individual existing.  And those that accept this reality also cannot see the world existing without them.  Of course when we pass from this existence we still exist but the ego and personality are tied to the body and cannot comprehend this transition.

Do not believe your thoughts and ego about this.  You are not separate.  You are not alone.  You are not gong to die.  Your body with stop functioning one day but this is not YOU.  It is just the body.  The biological machine you have inhabited during your stay here in duality.  A duality that allows us to work out things with others.  if this duality did not exist then there would be nothing to work out.  It would all be done already.  We would recognize our true nature and the nature of life.  There would be no reason to suffer anymore.  This duality is what allows us to suffer so.  It is the thing that allows us to see ourselves as alone, and lonely, and isolated and all the other things we put on ourselves.  The question is – is all this suffering necessary?  It is necessary to grow and gain strength and become grounded and to live more fully?  It might be.  It is possibly that without duality we could not learn certain lessons or grow in certain ways.  It is the great mystery…

This is why exploration of our true nature is so important.  There are many paths in this exploration.  One that I feel has a lot of value is through meditation and self-healing.

To be truly free we must deal with the duality we find ourselves in and deeply explore our true nature.

Today I find, as I often do when I write a blog entry that where I end up is a place that I could not have anticipated when I began.  I must take the time to begin more often because I want to know more about where I am going to end up.

 








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