Giving Yourself Away…

6 09 2015

From time to time over the years I have heard from people (mostly married women) that they have done everything they can to please their partner, and take care of their children or some combination of that.  They have sacrificed themselves in some way.  They feel they have compromised themselves for years for the relationship or to raise their children.  Maybe their mother was like this.  They put themselves in the space of being secondary.  There is a way they feel they are not truly existing.  They may feel life an appendage in the relationship or they feel they are the caretaker of their partner or the children or both.  The do not feel like they are a real person but something less than the others in the family.  Most of the time people who live this way eventually find they are so unfulfilled it is preferable to be a lone than to continue the relationship.

Serve is a noble activity, but sacrificing your very beingness to serve others is not necessary or even healthy.  We must all live as if we are worthy.  As if we have value.  We all have as much value as the others we are in relationship with.  If we sacrifice our humanity and become some servant android that takes care of everyone else’s needs we are not complete.  Not fulfilled.  We have sacrificed too much.  This is not service to those we love, it is servitude.  The thing about it is, it is self-imposed.  We feel we must do this role to please those we love.  We must be less than we truly are.  We stifle ourselves to meet our loved ones imagined expectations.  Often these expectations are not actually communicated but we think this is what is expected of us.  Certainly when we put ourselves aside and give in a way that is too much to another they are likely going to accept.  They will often not be conscious enough to realize that you are causing yourself harm by this kind of servitude, by selling yourself short.  By not being a full authentic person.

There is nothing about you that is small.  Do not exile yourself to a minor role in life that is not fulfilling.  You are unlimited.  You can have what fulfills you.  Do not train your loved ones to treat you as less than you truly are.  The amazing thing is that you are so powerful that you can reduce yourself down to a role that does not fulfill you in any way, and you can train others around you to treat you in such a way that it reinforces the role you have decided to play.

Now if you are playing this role to learn some deep life lesson that is part of the journey, but it that was what you are facing would you find yourself feeling less than or unfulfilled?  Do not be small, be you.  Your full authentic you.  Be the one you truly are rather than settle for a shadow of who and what you are.  Retrain yourself, and those around you that you are a powerful, equal being who is worthy of all that life can bring.  You are not small, you are so much more than that.  See yourself through the eyes of your most profound teachers.  They do not see a small being, they may see a being playing the game of small but they do not see small.  Be full blown.  Be all of it.  If your journey is to play small, then play small from a place of healthy power and intention.  Know that your are being small for a purpose, and if there is no purpose in the play then it may be time to change the script.  Time to grow into the your fullness.  You are not small.  You are not less.  You are not insignificant.  Those things do not exist for one of your nature.  You are unique, and amazing, and unlimited.





The Viewpoint

27 08 2015

I am moved tonight to talk about our viewpoint.  I read and post many things on facebook that I consider inspiration, and a contribution to our growth experience.  And then my photo work and some talented artists from time to time.  And what really has become clear is that people read all of these things from where they are sitting.  One person who has had a profound break through regarding sex, very often relates it to their sexual experiences even though the post is not implying this (to me) in anyway.

Another person may see sexual danger every where because they were abused as a child.  This abuse colors their whole life and everything seems to come back to that for them.  They see abusers in everything and every where.

Another person has been victimized in their early life and they have embraced the role of victim.  And everything seems to be an attack to them.  Someone is doing something to them, even when the post is about love and connection, for this one it comes back to the way we can abuse each other.  Also, this state of victim brings with it a sensitivity that constantly re-enforces the state of “victim.”  It is a very hard road to travel.  I understand it, I went PRO in being a victim until maybe 10 years ago and it was hard work to give up that position and take on a new one.  A similar thing happens with those who have taken a rescuer role.  The are constantly attempting to save another whose life is not working out well for them.  This shows up a lot when someone says I am having a hard time in my life around this issue.  The rescuer cannot just receive that communication but must do something to help or fix that person.  They explain a thing to the person, or they give advice, or tell a story that is meant to educate the other to have a better life.  The biggest disappointment to the rescuer is that the rescuee does not get rescued.  They just go on in their victim state  feeling the whole universe is out to get them.  The funny thing is that as long as they live in that state it is true.  The whole universe is out to get them and the beauty of it is that the victim can decide at any moment to take responsibility for everything in their life and the whole dynamic changes.  Now, they may move into another state but that victim state can be blown out simple by taking responsibility for everything in their life and circumstances.  At that point they no longer are victim to anything because they have taken responsibility for it all.  They are the cause and they have given up the main contributing factor, the state of victim.

The rescuer on the other hand has a different strategy to be free.  That person must let everyone else take responsibility for their lives.  When the rescuer is no longer taking responsibility for other people’s life, choices, consequences, and other behaviors that are not working they are free too.  It is exhausting to manage others.  It is ultimately much harder than managing ourselves but it does distract us from our reality and our own suffering.  We can focus on the life and problems of another who happens to be a victim or we focus on our own growth and life.

Our individual viewpoint is the filter we see life through.  It colors everything for us.  It is the brush we paint the world with.  Give up your position, whatever it is.  See the world with fresh eyes, see it from another perspective.  Do not get stuck in one way.  I know that our early childhood, and other experiences have created this position and it seems to be the only reality.  It is the way the world is.  If we were abused, there are abusers out there.  Imagine that some people were raised with safety and love; they have a different experience and a different position.  And even though that position is more pleasant and maybe fun to view life from; it is also a position.  Give them all up and open to how it really is.  Get that how you see it may not be the way it really is.  Check it out with other people and see how they view life and the world.  You will soon find that there are an unlimited amount of positions.  Do not get fixed in yours.  Let it flow and change, and be flexible.  And let yourself see life and situations the way they really are and not through the filter of your viewpoint.

Accept it all…





Emotional States

27 08 2015

A friend wrote:

Much as I’d like to think I have it all figured out,

…I’m curious what my male friends think of my take on feelings, men, women, etc. in this comment I made earlier today below a post on feelings:

Feelings do NOT equal “crazy” or “drama” or whatever other bullshit people put on them. Feelings are a deep, natural part of who we are and IMO they are our connection to spirit. If one is not in touch with their feelings, they can’t feel ANYTHING very deeply. Including promptings, intuitions, etc. Our culture is emotion-phobic and feelings are treated as this foreign thing we are supposed to either control or pretend not to have-even though they inform a huge portion of our choices! Hello-! I believe the reason so many people fear feelings is that we have ignored them and therefore have NO idea how to use them, listen to them, direct and channel them in responsible healthy ways. For example, we fear anger because most of us have only seen it used irresponsibly in ways that cause harm. So we judge the feeling, not separating it from the way it is expressed. I think men have a hard time with feelings in women because women, again, have not been taught to honor and express our own feelings in a healthy manner. Out of a lack of knowing better, we have taken our feelings out on men, blamed them, and made them ‘responsible’ for how we feel.

As a result, sadly, most men now feel somewhat panicked or overwhelmed when they sense big feelings in a woman. They fear they are going to be blamed or expected to do something and are often not sure what. If they are our partner or family member or someone we are close to, they value us, care about our feelings, and want to feel they can help us feel good and be happy, and when we don’t, they fear they will be blamed, attacked, have expectations put on them that they don’t know how to meet or otherwise feel inadequate somehow. SO they have a negative association with us having strong feelings. On top of all that, they have been trained more deeply than we have to avoid feelings. Feelings are seen as weak in the male world of this culture and men who have been expressive have usually been shamed deeply and attacked (even physically brutalized) by other males. So there are TONS of reason for men to feel uncomfortable with feelings. I think women can help in healing this by learning to befriend, work with, and take responsibility for our own feelings, and to create a sense of safety around feelings with men. Absolutely first thing is to become comfortable with them ourselves, IMO.

Which prompted the following response in me:

I see this issue on two levels.

First I will address emotional states in general.  Our emotional states usually come and go.  One moment we may feel happy, another sad, and any other emotion may come upon us quickly.  This morning I saw a video of Alanis Morrisette singing a song, and that prompted me to find another video by her on YouTube.  Both those songs brought up emotions in me.  The first made me smile and there was an opening toward her.  It has a happy feeling mostly but mixed.  The second song made me cry, not in sadness but it was not happiness either.  It was a different emotional state. Things, songs, sounds, voices, smells, things we see, words, tone of voice, our thoughts can all evoke an emotional state.  I recently worked with someone who had a huge anger response to a simple phrase said to them by their partner.  And if this phrase was said they were going to have an argument.  It was not a confrontive phrase but it reminded the person of a situation in childhood.  These are all emotional states and usually we flow from one to another through the day.  Sometimes we get in a particular emotional state for a period of time, maybe days but rarely for longer.  These states are meant to change.  Sometimes we feel that we should not allow our state to change for some reason.  If someone passes away, we may feel that we are not showing love by being sad, but our states shift and change.  We might be in deep grief and then something strikes us an funny and we are shift for a time out of our grief.

A problem develops when I emotional states become fixed.  When we get stuck in a certain one and cannot seem to shift from it.  This is really a different discussion but I wanted to mention it here.  I will do another post on fixed states one day and this will include not only fixed emotional states to fixed states of thought.

The thing about these states is we get caught up in them.  We feel them in our body, and we get very involved in them.  The thing is they are transitory.  They change from moment to moment.  Sometimes those moments may feel long but they are still transitory.  We take them very seriously though.  In that moment it is our reality.  It is the only thing that exists, and we can go deep into it.  Many parents have developed the skill to distract their child when they are in an emotional state that is not working for some reason.  We are all like this we can be distracted from these states.  There is a way they are so serious to us, and a way they are not serious at all.

So, what do we do?  I think we just allow ourselves to feel them.  Do not resist them, push them aside, try to get others not to feel them or interrupt the process in someway.  Just feel them.  Allow yourself to go through what you are going through, and those around you also.  Now there is a responsibility in this depending what emotional state you are experiencing.  If you are angry, do not abuse others emotionally, verbally, or physically.  In the midst of that particular emotion it might be better to separate yourself and fully express that emotion in a safe place where you can get it out verbally and even physically without cause harm to others or property.  That may mean beating on your mattress to get it out, or another method to release it from your body.  Feel it and release it, especially if it is sadness or anger.  Do not try to hold them in but release them out, just not in a way that causes harm to others.  So many people want to try and resolve something when they are angry but we are usually not emotionally prepared to negotiate or problem solve in those moments.  Usually, we just kind of want what we want.  We want someone to stop doing something or do something in a different way.  I find that adjusting our own behavior is difficult enough, trying to adjust someone else’s is almost impossible.  Which is why couples often say to me, I told them a million times and they haven’t stopped, or changed, or done this for me, etc.

If the emotional state is triggered by another person then there may be a discussion to have with the other person, and also their is likely internal work to do to resolve in you whatever it is that is being triggered.  I have found during my journey through all of this is that when I resolve something in me that bothers me in others I find that thing in others does not bother me anymore.  It just becomes an issue that no longer care about.  This is like the couple I mentioned earlier.  When we identified the early age issue with the one person, just identified it, it lost a lot of its power over them.  Has it been resolved?  Not yet, but it has only been identified.  Everyone now understands where this reaction comes from and that it is not actually the person they are in relationship with but an issue within themselves.

Now this does not mean that there are not larger issues that need to be resolve in one way or another.  Say infidelity.  This is a huge issue that the triggers may have roots in the past with the person reacting to it, but it is also a systemic problem in the relationship that will likely need to be resolve for that relationship to continue.  Now the resolution may come in many different forms.  Maybe the person who has been unfaithful gets how destructive it is to the relationship and adjusts their behavior (which then brings up the whole issue of trust in the relationship but that is a different issue), or the other person in the relationship decides they want to stay in the relationship even in the face of that behavior and knowing it happens, or may the couple decides to enter an open relationship that is or is not honest about outside relationships, or the person decides to have their own affairs to make it all “fair” and can cope with it that way, or the relationship ends because the issue is not manageable for them.

Anger is probably the emotional state that causes the most disruption in relationships.

There is so much more going on. There is a whole masculine/feminine energy thing that happens. And that is a whole area of study. There are things, emotional expression is one, that are part of this energy. In the east they talk about the Shiva and Shakti energies and this is what I am alluding to.

Also, there is this whole thing where we take our emotions too seriously. Yes, we have them they exist. In both masculine and feminine but we do not have to get all caught up in it. I am not talking about denying them or pushing them aside. We should not resist but just feel them, and know that they will pass and we will have different emotions later. Emotions are like the weather. They come and they go and they will always be changing. We just get all caught up in them like they are important. They are not important but they are real and should be fully experienced. Now the thing about anger is that most of us need to be trained in appropriate expression of anger. It drives me crazy when I work with parents who try to suppress anger in their children. Anger is another emotion and it is okay, but it is not okay to hit others, curse others, scream at others… It is okay to express it out of our bodies – actually it is essential. I believe that repressed anger and sadness are the cause of many illnesses in our society. Get them out. Be angry in an appropriate way without emotional harm or physical harm to others. Feel your sadness and express it as it arises. Do not hold back but do not inflict them on others.

Lastly, when you know your true nature all of this changes for you (over time). You are less invested in all this. A masculine person (not necessarily a man) should know themselves, find their way of being grounded. They should learn toe steadiness that is unshakable so their feminine partner has a space to express their emotions in a safe way. Their masculine partner can handle all they have. Their is space for them to get it all out. Be strong enough to accept all they have to give. There are teachings to work through all of this. Although it is a journey.

Do not resist but also do not wallow….





The Life Intensive

27 08 2015

My current process has been going on for several weeks at least.  It is likely my life stage.  I find myself doing an exploration of my life.  It goes on for hours and days…

It is not really a process involving regret.  Yes, there are mistakes I have made in life.  I have hurt others, I have hurt myself, I have made bad choices (many of them).  There are many things I could regret but I do not live in that place.  The examination is really about “consciousness in living,”  how I have conducted myself.  There are so many small examples of my unconsciousness that have been bubbling up over these long weeks.  Of course, these are all things from the past and I am not big on living in the past.  But this process is almost involuntary.  It is certainly not about shoulds and should nots, it is not about regrets, it is not about self-judgement.  It is about right living.  Where have I been conscious and made correct choices.  Where have I been unconscious and made poor choices.  I think the process is some form of life examination, an education so to speak.  I do not think we learn anything from being told what is right and wrong.  Behaviors can be forced on us, I suppose, with enough pressure and consequences, but really we learn from the mistakes we make.  The things we do that we later realize were wrong choices for us.  I believe this is the process I am in.  I am getting a deeper education but evolve in some way.  To learn the lessons I have resisted throughout my life.  Yes, I think that is what it is…  My previous resistance to learning certain things, or giving up a way of behaving.  I had a new lesson today and a deep area of life, which put me right back into this process again.  Remembering, sorting, sifting, evaluating the merits of these uncountable decisions that make up my life path.

And there have been profound changes in how I react to certain things and the decisions I make.  There are things that do not trigger me, that were huge at one time.  The anger reaction in me has become such a small part of life for me, when at one time it was such a large one.  Sifting, sorting, recognizing…  The Life Intensive continues to work its magic on me, to push me through experience, to round out the rough edges, to refine me in some way for some thing.  I am being worked, and worked, refined, and carved…  Life will not allow me to stop, to relax in it, but there is a pressure, a push, seeking…  Ah, the fate of a seeker.  And the process continues.

Life finds ways to break your heart, to break through those resistances that keep you from moving forward in whatever way is right for you.

Today my heart is broken, and tomorrow there will be something different.  Tomorrow I may feel strong and open to anything…  This always changes and it is part of the Life Intensive.  Breath, feel, acknowledge, live in it, do not avoid it…  It is the process that life is about.  We can avoid this process, we can drink, drug, sex, shop, numb to life in whatever we prefer, but life will still find ways to break our hearts.  If we are numb and avoiding we will not learn the lesson, or grow through the experience; and we will continue to get that experience until we face it and learn what is there for us to learn, and evolve, and change and grow and renew ourselves.

Allow this process to work on you.  Live in it, be with it, and enjoy it.  It is life, humaness, and the thing that will teach us.  The periods in our life when everything is easy and happy and working are not usually periods of growth but vacations from that work.  Examine your life, what are your greatest periods of growth?  Not the easy, joyful times.  I am not opposed to these times, enjoy them, embrace them too; but the growth, the gems, the realizations, the new ways of being come from the difficult experiences we create.  These are the precious things, the things that can propel us forward into change, and knowledge of our personal ethics.





“The Meaning of Life”

22 04 2015

It does not seem to me that our purpose in this world is to have a good time.  I seems that there is a much deeper purpose to our lives. Everyone I know has suffering in their lives of some kind.  I meet a lot of people and they all suffer in some way.  Now a rare few of them are past their suffering and living a different quality of life than most of us.  Some of my teachers fall into that category but not all.

Buddha said “Life is Suffering.”  referring to our attachment to things being the way we want them to be.  When we accept things they way they really are without imposing our own desires on them we reach a level of freedom and we suffer less.  There are other levels of attachment we can resolve in ourselves to attain more freedom and less suffering.  And maybe this is why we are living these lives to work through the things that cause suffering in our lives.  What I know is when we work through  a difficult relationship or a life issue that is causing us pain then things loosen up in ourselves and life gets a bit easier.

We are constantly challenged in some way.  I think these are challenges to grow and become more of ourselves, more solid in our being.  We face the challenges and resolve them and there is a payoff which is more freedom in ourselves and more joy.  Joy does not come from the things we do or people we spend time with, we can take joy in those things but joy is an internal game.  It comes from within.  Just as our suffering does.  One reason I do not resist the hard life challenges is that I want to move through them as quickly as I can.  I would rather have a very hard year or two than 10 years of nibbling at the edge.  I also realize that when that challenges is over and I have integrated it all and reached a new level of awareness about life and myself, that something new will come around and shake my life up again.  This is because I am ready for a new level, and we do not seem to just decide to work on the new level of awareness we are facing but life needs to confront us with the new challenge that will bring us to the next level.  There will always be a new level to challenge us.  But as we resolve these challenges in ourselves we find that we suffer less.  The next challenge although unique does not bring the level of suffering it would had we not resolved past opportunities.

Some people feel they have a life where everything goes wrong and they are always challenged in some way.  This is usually because they are not resolving the current issues they are facing so life serves it up in a variety of ways to get the point across to us.  There is a point.  It is not random life events.  If we are constantly challenged there is something we need to work on within ourselves and resolve so we can grow.  If we do not face the issues that are confronting us we stay at that level, we do not attain freedom, we do not grow and we suffer even more.  Life will break us again and again to get it across.  Realize that all those things that happen outside of us that we consider happen to us are really internal processes on how we perceive ourselves and life.  If we feel everything is happening to us and we have no control then we suffer more.  Feeling helpless is one thing and we all face this at times, being helpless is different it is  a position we have taken and life will grind it out of us until it no longer exists within us.  It will grind us down to a fineness where our positions no longer work fur us and we have to give them up.  I would rather face then and resolve them and make the grinding process a shorter one.  Face our positions consciously or unconsciously but we will face them.  Consciously is better…

We must face life and everything it throws at us, or our suffering will be overwhelming.  This is our purpose here, to grow through life challenges and resolve our suffering, to give up our positions and our identifications.  To move toward freedom within ourselves.





The Goddess Broke My Heart (Pt 2)

22 04 2015

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum

This is what I refer to when I say “The Goddess Broke My Heart.”  Life, our friends, our choices, our circumstances will break us.  It is all designed to strip us down to our core beingness.  The more we resist our true nature, the more pressure is placed on us.  We are wounded more, we are torn down, and we struggle against life.  We do not embrace our challenges we resist.  Not only does this resistance create more suffering in ourselves but it also holds us back from the realization of the truth.  We fight back, we wallow in pain, we push the pain away, we numb ourselves through alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, food, shopping, or entertainment.

In the past few years I have made it a practice to actually embrace the challenges that life sends me.  I just accept the new circumstances of life.  This does not mean that I am not affected but I am not resisting.  I may go into deep fear, or other reactions that truly do not serve me but I do not resist.  This started many years ago when my practice brought me to a place where I felt the pain of all humankind.  I could feel it all, all the time and this lasted for months or weeks.  (The genesis of this blog came out of that experience).  And in that time I did not resits any of what I was feeling.  I accepted it and whatever it brought to me.  There were deep learnings in that period for me.  I can still access the pain of us all if I quiet my mind and sit with it for a moment.

As I have said over the past few blog posts I have been facing a dept of disturbance like to other in my life.  I have had so much happen.  My life has been shaken down to the core in many ways, and at the same time, although I have had anxiety and fear, I have not resisted.  I have worked to mitigate circumstances but that is taking action when action is needed.  But I have not resisted, not fought it, I have accepted it and taken responsibility for the circumstances I have faced.  The past eight months or so have been a difficult time for me.  Far more difficult than anything I ever expected to face.

Life has broken me again, in a far deeper and profound way then ever before.  I have had many moments of awareness, insights, and deep learning.  It has been life altering.  I have also at times felt the depth of my true nature, the part that is never threatened by anything.  The unshakable part of me that cannot be touched by the circumstances life throws at me.  Sometimes I have been lost in the emotional turmoil.  My body had been in the emergency mode of a constant flow of adrenaline.  And I have not resisted it.  I have accepted it all and felt it all.  I have welcomed it all, and at the same time I have attempted to learn and grow and make adjustments that would serve me and life better than my old choices and ways of doing life.

This is one reason life breaks us, to let go of the old patterns.  The destruction of so many parts of my life have served to make room for something new.  These changes may not be apparent to those around me but they are deep and profound.  Life has broken me down and forced my hand to change more than any other time in my life.  I feel the seeds of a totally new life.  Not in a physical sense, not like I will sell my house and move to an organic farm kind of way; but in a deeper way, in a way that is at the core of what and who I am, and how I see the world and others.

The Goddess Broke My Heart and in that breaking she has laid the seeds of renewal and another life that was unforeseeable before my heart was broken.  I have surrendered to the heartbreak and the change and the newness of what is next.

 





Realization

6 03 2015

I was considering my most recent post “What is Me” today.  I had a realization that the reason it has been so hard for the past six months or more is that I have changed a lot of the past several years.  Things that would be hard five years ago would not really phase me now.  Things that were hard ten years ago would not even register.  It seems that to get my get my attention things had to go very deep.  To be real to me, it  has to be a very serious situation.   I am stronger than I have been in the past, and I am more at peace (usually).  To really strip me down the the core for the next phase of development, whatever that is – things need to be serious enough to shake me to the foundations.  And this is that shaking…

I am ready for the shaking to stop now and for the rebuilding to begin.  I have learned so many things from all of this.  Things on the personal level, the business level, the spiritual level.  There are many lessons for me in all of this.

One big lesson is to take action when I know what action I should take.  There were changes I needed to make and I knew I needed to make them but I put them off or did not want to do what was hard.  I set things aside.  This is where the merely annoying and nagging was not enough to get my attention or to make the needed changes.  I know that the changes were going to cause a great disturbance in my life and in some other lives.  By not taking that action I have caused a reaction that goes very deep.  It was all taken out of my hands.  It was the thing I needed to do but did not face or confront.  I can be good at not confronting what needs to be confronted.  I like a peaceful life that moves along and things get handled as they come up.  The thing is that even though I knew I needed to make those changes I was personally doing well.  I was at peace, I was busy with the things in life I wanted to be busy with, I was in charge of my life for the most part.  And I was happy.  I was on cruise control in a way.

And then a cascade of events, all out of my control, took place; and life changed completely in just a few months.  The end result of those events is really the same as they would have been if I had made the changes that I knew I needed to make.  The difference is, instead of a controlled change over time it was a unstoppable force of nature that recreated my life and business.  It was not gentle, it was not controlled and it was a confluence of many factors and forces.  It caused a restructure in how I have done things, and a total change in business in certain business practices.

I am in awe of how many areas of my life are wrapped up in this wave of unstoppable change.  I cannot think of one aspect that has not been involved in some way.  I have rethought so many parts of me, and so many ways I have done things, and so much of life.  I am remembering myself as a young person these days.  There is a lot I have healed in myself from that time, but there was also a part of me that accepted people easily.  I think that I did not feel accepted myself and therefore, accepted others who were fringe dwellers.  Ah, the fringe dwellers of our society.  The seekers, the nerds, those that do not fit in with societal ideas of what we should be.

I think in this process not only are there changes going on but a reclamation of an earlier version of myself.  A plunge into a more innocent me.  It is strange – there is only one me but on another level, there seem to be many versions of me.  The me I was thinking of was in high school, then there was many version of me in the Army for so many years.  Who that really knows me now can really envision those version.  I cannot really even envision them.  Then all the post Army versions of me…  Through all of that there is a real me that does not change and is.  And from this place feeling stripped down to a core that me is apparent, and also I am in touch with all the version of me that I have experienced.  Strange to feel I have experienced me in so many different ways over the years.  It feels long and sometimes hard but it also is a flash.  It is one life in an eternity.  I just happens to be my present now.  This now is intense and raw and full of so much juice.

There is more change coming, it is the nature of this existence.  Everything is temporary.  This will all change.  Some day I will be gone and not long after that people will no longer know who I was in this life.  It all changes it all ends and it all evolves.  There is nothing to hold on to.  There is nothing to grieve.  There is nothing to lose.  It is all energy, constantly shifting, changing, and converting.  Breathe, any struggles will pass.  Learn what you need to learn from whatever life circumstance you face.  Breathe lean into it.  Live if fully.  Feel it fully.  Know that nothing in this life threatens the one that you are.  Nothing…  Embrace it all.  Change and growth are our constant companions…








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