6 03 2015

I was considering my most recent post “What is Me” today.  I had a realization that the reason it has been so hard for the past six months or more is that I have changed a lot of the past several years.  Things that would be hard five years ago would not really phase me now.  Things that were hard ten years ago would not even register.  It seems that to get my get my attention things had to go very deep.  To be real to me, it  has to be a very serious situation.   I am stronger than I have been in the past, and I am more at peace (usually).  To really strip me down the the core for the next phase of development, whatever that is – things need to be serious enough to shake me to the foundations.  And this is that shaking…

I am ready for the shaking to stop now and for the rebuilding to begin.  I have learned so many things from all of this.  Things on the personal level, the business level, the spiritual level.  There are many lessons for me in all of this.

One big lesson is to take action when I know what action I should take.  There were changes I needed to make and I knew I needed to make them but I put them off or did not want to do what was hard.  I set things aside.  This is where the merely annoying and nagging was not enough to get my attention or to make the needed changes.  I know that the changes were going to cause a great disturbance in my life and in some other lives.  By not taking that action I have caused a reaction that goes very deep.  It was all taken out of my hands.  It was the thing I needed to do but did not face or confront.  I can be good at not confronting what needs to be confronted.  I like a peaceful life that moves along and things get handled as they come up.  The thing is that even though I knew I needed to make those changes I was personally doing well.  I was at peace, I was busy with the things in life I wanted to be busy with, I was in charge of my life for the most part.  And I was happy.  I was on cruise control in a way.

And then a cascade of events, all out of my control, took place; and life changed completely in just a few months.  The end result of those events is really the same as they would have been if I had made the changes that I knew I needed to make.  The difference is, instead of a controlled change over time it was a unstoppable force of nature that recreated my life and business.  It was not gentle, it was not controlled and it was a confluence of many factors and forces.  It caused a restructure in how I have done things, and a total change in business in certain business practices.

I am in awe of how many areas of my life are wrapped up in this wave of unstoppable change.  I cannot think of one aspect that has not been involved in some way.  I have rethought so many parts of me, and so many ways I have done things, and so much of life.  I am remembering myself as a young person these days.  There is a lot I have healed in myself from that time, but there was also a part of me that accepted people easily.  I think that I did not feel accepted myself and therefore, accepted others who were fringe dwellers.  Ah, the fringe dwellers of our society.  The seekers, the nerds, those that do not fit in with societal ideas of what we should be.

I think in this process not only are there changes going on but a reclamation of an earlier version of myself.  A plunge into a more innocent me.  It is strange – there is only one me but on another level, there seem to be many versions of me.  The me I was thinking of was in high school, then there was many version of me in the Army for so many years.  Who that really knows me now can really envision those version.  I cannot really even envision them.  Then all the post Army versions of me…  Through all of that there is a real me that does not change and is.  And from this place feeling stripped down to a core that me is apparent, and also I am in touch with all the version of me that I have experienced.  Strange to feel I have experienced me in so many different ways over the years.  It feels long and sometimes hard but it also is a flash.  It is one life in an eternity.  I just happens to be my present now.  This now is intense and raw and full of so much juice.

There is more change coming, it is the nature of this existence.  Everything is temporary.  This will all change.  Some day I will be gone and not long after that people will no longer know who I was in this life.  It all changes it all ends and it all evolves.  There is nothing to hold on to.  There is nothing to grieve.  There is nothing to lose.  It is all energy, constantly shifting, changing, and converting.  Breathe, any struggles will pass.  Learn what you need to learn from whatever life circumstance you face.  Breathe lean into it.  Live if fully.  Feel it fully.  Know that nothing in this life threatens the one that you are.  Nothing…  Embrace it all.  Change and growth are our constant companions…


What is Me?

27 02 2015

This past few months have been some of the toughest I have faced in my life…

It is so easy during difficult times to get caught up in life and the situations being faced.  The mind goes to fear, and hurt, and sadness, sometimes anger, and a feeling of things are not fair.  And all this can pull us off our path and our realization of what and who we truly are.  Of course just like we are not our thoughts, or our emotions we are not the life situations we face.  But these life situations are strong.  They can go down the root of feeling we will not survive.  But what is this thing that won’t survive.  That is not us.  It might be this body we inhabit, but most life situations do not threaten us on that level, a may be the lifestyle we created but that is certainly not us, it may be obligations we have to others or agreements we have made, but those are not who we are; they are words or understandings between us and other people.

It is strange that a situation, whatever it is can shake the foundations of our life and we feel threatened.  What we are cannot be threatened by anything, and yet we dive in deep with life to further delude ourselves that we are threatened in some way.  That everything is falling apart.

The situation I have been and am facing has caused profound learnings and changes in my life.  I feel I have been stripped bare to the core (at least I hope this is the most stripped down I can get).  And this process did not start with the most recent couple situations but has been going on for a year.  It has been a purge that has taken me down to nothing.  It has been a huge challenge, it has changed the way I look at many things.  It has shaken my sense of security.  I have lost long term friendship and financial stability.  The fear has taken me over for periods of time that are far too long, weeks and months.

And under all of that, there is a way that none of it matters.  It is only the background, the play I am in with many other players.  I am still me no matter what I am facing in life.  My responsibility is to live as well and ethically as possible.  To not cause harm to others or myself.  To live with love and openness.  These things have been pushed back by fear and other emotions but I have done my best to meet all obligations and responsibilities I have.  And in a way those things are still not ultimately important.  In 100 years no one will remember me, nothing I did will be considered important.  in five years the people who were involved in the situations of the last year will not be thinking of me, they will be facing new situations, new challenges, and other life issues as will I.

I think I am an optimist.  I always think in five more years everything will be settled and set and I can relax from that place.  It has been an ongoing five more years for a very long time.  I realize that I am a person who will always face challenges.  I will always have something that needs to be done, created, expanded, or reinvented.  This is my nature.  I do not do easy, I do not do enjoying the ride.  I do life the hard way.  It seems my nature to face one challenge after another, and if I am not challenging myself then a challenge is created for me to overcome.

And still none of this is my true nature.   If I could go through these challenges without losing my sense of me it would all be easier.  I sometimes let life circumstances give the illusion of my being threatened.  The true sense being able to relax would be to not lose myself in the difficult times.  To let the knowledge of who and what I am come forward and not be subsumed by emotions and thoughts of failure and unworthiness.

How can any life circumstance have anything to do with my worthiness? Or my true nature.

Through the experiences of the past year I have lost sight of Me.  The one.  My beingness.  This is not how I want to go through life.  The challenges will come, that is obvious.  The question is, will I let them crush me or will I continue to know that I cannot be threatened.

There is a way we are limitless.  I have been struggling with that lesson for several years now, and I may talk more about it in another blog post.  The limits are in our minds, and the expectations of those around us.  We hold ourselves small in so many ways.  We struggle through life, fighting to survive in many different ways.  This is not our true nature but it is what is expected of us.

Begin to explore the limitless one you are, and do not let life circumstances make yo believe you are less.

Meditation on your true nature and discover the one without limits you truly are.

Fear of Spiritual Growth

14 01 2015

There are many barriers to moving through the stages of spiritual growth.

One of them is the fear of what that growth might mean in our lives.  There can be a fear that there will be a fundamental change in a person’s life.   That a growth experience will be such that living as one once has will no longer be possible.

There is a fear that a current relationship or all the relationships in a person’s life will change or be destroyed by a growth experience.

There is a fear that we will fundamentally change on a very basic level in  a way that we do not even know ourselves anymore.  That we will be unable to function in life, or unable to work anymore, or unable to relate in the same way we did.

And that brings up another fear.  That our present employment is not longer possible for some reason after a growth experience.  That we cannot no longer tolerate the work we do, or the way we are treated on that job.  What if we lost the ability to support ourselves in this modern world.

There is a fear of not being able to function socially anymore.  What if we cannot related to people in the same way, or we cannot tolerate the company of others, or we must isolate, or have much more time alone than we ever had before.  What if we do not need relating in the same way or at all.  What if the normal relating we have done in our lives begins to feel superficial and meaningless.  What if conversations about the weather or the traffic or politics or work are no longer stimulating.

There is a fear of no longer belonging or fitting in.  What if a growth experience pushes so far outside the norm that we are rejected by others.  Our peer group does not get us anymore or we don’t get them.  This is similar to what happens when someone in a group of single friends gets married and they drift away from the group as their priorities change and grow.  It also happens when a couple has children and their old friends do not.  What if this growth experience makes you the outsider in your old peer group.  Or your family, or your work setting, or the grocery store.

There is a fear of what I have to give everything up and move to a convent, or ashram or a temple or a cave or another country like India.  What if I lose everything to have this growth experience.

And there are many more…

All of these barriers are the mind stopping your for attaining a growth experience of some kind.  Our mind does not like change and a spiritual growth experience is not just change but it is a threat to the our mind.  Change means risk, and our mind is all about survival.  What if I do not survive in some way?  Our mind fears a loss of control, a loss of the familiar, a loss of security, and a loss of knowing what is next.  The issue with a spiritual growth experience is that the mind cannot anticipate the benefits or consequences of the experience.  The actual experience is beyond the mind.  It is something the mind cannot get to.  It cannot be thought into being, it cannot be reasoned to a conclusion that makes sense.  It is in a sense stepping off the cliff into something that the mind will never understand, but the benefits are becoming more of who or what you really are.  And that true nature is beyond the mind in a real way.  The mind will never comprehend the true nature.  If it could many more of us would be living from that place.  If we could think or reason our way into it, many of us would achieve great depth in ourselves and in our lives  There would be a wave of these experiences and a profound change in the world.  But our mind cannot get us there.  We must meditate and do other practices that allow us to get around the mind, to slip through the cracks of our thoughts and to breakthrough into a growth experience.  To do this we must push through the fear of the growth experience and continue our practices.  Not let the fear stop us from further growth, further evolution.  The only way to truly change the world is to grow and evolve.  To allow change within us, to have those deep experiences and not let fear of them stop us.  When you hit that fear, feel it and recognize it and continue anyway.

Everything in your life may change from these kinds of growth experiences.  It may all change, and be different.  Certainly you will change and become different over time, with deep practices and consistent personal work.  Welcome the change.  Know that discovering your true nature may make everything different.  All those fears listed above and more may be the result of your pracrices, and discovering your true nature is not just desired but necessary in an ultimate sense.  There is another reality, and it is you.


Upcoming Meditation Retreat

4 12 2014

 Meditation Retreat – February 19th – 23rd, 2015

3 Day Partner Assisted Meditation Retreat

This meditation retreat is a modern answer to the question, “Where can I go to directly experience the true nature of life, others and myself?” With one foot rooted in the ancient tradition of Rinzai Zen and the other in the modern dyad process of communication, the Enlightenment Intensive is a three-day retreat capable of producing deep spiritual awakenings at the core.

During the retreat you are asked to set aside all distractions and engage in a monastic lifestyle in order to free your energy and attention for the practice at hand. Your practice is to contemplate a question such as ‘Who am I?’ and communicate to a partner what has occurred. You choose a new partner for each 40-minute period. Throughout the day you have breaks for walks, rest, meals, and lectures. Other questions you may work on are, “What am I?”, “What is Life?”, and “What is Another?” This journey of exploration, healing and awakening reveals that our deepest truths may be found within ourselves and through our honest interaction with others.

The retreat uses a dyad format for contemplation that is generative—the energy builds between dyad partners, as well as everyone in the room, creating a synergetic generation of the very energy mentioned in Zen literature needed to break through into an enlightenment experience.

You can learn more about the Meditation Retreat at:

You can now enroll using paypal.

Please join us and discover your true nature.




30 11 2014

I have heard so much about fear.  I know a person who feels that when we feel fear we should dive in and really feel it.  Now I agree we should allow ourselves to feel our emotions.  We should feel them at depth and not push them away, but I see fear as different.

In the past few months I have gone through a period of being frozen with fear, to the degree that I had panic attacks.  This lasted for weeks and it was a very hard time for me.  I could not seem to do anything.  I could not function, or move forward or change the situation.   It was that fear for my existence kind of fear.  Very intense…

The truth is when I began to move my thoughts along from that place of holding the situation in the forefront on my mind and my life it all started to change.  The thing about fear is that it is the anticipation of some possible future pain.  Even though a present moment situation caused that intense fear in me it was my thoughts of what was to come next, or what was the final outcome going to be that had me in such an intense state of fear.  I could not seem to move my mind.  It was probably the most intense situation I have faced in many years.  I caused myself a lot of suffering by staying stuck in thinking over and over, what if…  I had a whole list of what ifs in this situation.

The only thing I could do to change my anxiety about the whole thing was to change my thinking .  The situation was the situation and I could not change that (although I could have taken some actions and changed that from developing) but staying in those thoughts was a very painful place to live.  Eventually, I just had to accept things the way there were and know that the outcome would be the outcome and things would eventually be different.  They may be different better or different worse but it would all change.  It is the nature of our lives.  I finally put it all aside which helped me take certain actions and begin to shift things in myself and in my life.  The situation is not completely resolved.  There are still far reaching ramifications and the outcome is uncertain, but I am at peace.  I am am not riding my fear like a bull through the streets.  I have put that aside, come to acceptance of what will be will be.  I will do my best and hope for a positive resolution.

Going deep into the fear did not help me in anyway.  It froze me in place and caused havoc in my being.  As I put it aside and become unattached to the outcome and stopped thinking about what might happen.  What might go wrong.  All the outcomes that do not work for me.  There was a shift and peacefulness in me.  I am again quiet, and happy and feeling that all shall be well.  If it is not then that is another obstacle in life but it does not threaten my being in any way.

Fear does not serve us and it comes directly from out thoughts about either what happened in our past that we did not like or from thinking about what might go wrong in the future.  Of all of the things we have considered might go wrong in our lives how many of them have come to fruition?   We spend a lot of life energy on considering the possible bad things that might happen.  Let all of those thoughts go.  Not only does it tie up our life energy but it actually increases the possibility of negative outcomes.   What we focus on we get more of…

What do you focus on.  Do an exercise for a week and if you find it helpful do it longer.  Get a journal book and every evening reflect on the day.  Write down three things that were negative about the day and three things that were positive.  Do this every evening.  Over time notice your thoughts about your days as they pass.

Accept Yourself the Way You Really Are…

11 10 2014

Yesterday post got me thinking…

Not only do we need to accept things they way we really are but we need to accept ourselves the way we really are.

Have you ever met someone who does not seem to settle on the way they really are.  So many of us have not figured out who we really are.  We change when we are different people or in different situations.  We can live in social camouflage blending in to be accepted, blending in to please others, blending in a way that we feel  some other wants us to be – all this rather than being who we really are.  This is one of the problems in relationships – one or both of the partners is not being their authentic self, they are being a way to be loved, accepted, to feel worthy, or to get some other need met.  Eventually when a relationship is built on this way of being it breaks down.  Either the partner(s) who is trying to get their needs met through being a certain way they believe will accomplish this cannot keep up being a certain way, or the other person feels the pain of the unrealness going on.  Eventually, it does not work anymore and the person doing a strategy to get their needs met either bails out of the situation or feels let down that it did not work to get what they wanted.

I challenge those that are using this strategy to be happy to do some deep meditation and get in touch with their reality and live from that place.  Do not fake anything.  Be as real as you possibly can.  Of course this is often a process.  Some can just spring into reality but for most of us we learn incrementally to get in touch with our reality and over time live more from that place than from a strategy.

In clearing we talk about fixed states.  These states are a way that we implement the strategy.  It is advanced clearing work to clear these fixed attitudes.

Meditate, Be real, be yourself, be happy and free.

The Way It Really Is…

10 10 2014

We are strange beings…

We will fool ourselves in many ways….

I am going to introduce and idea…

The idea is – Life is just the way it is…

But we seem to be experts with coming up with an alternative reality.  We think that it is a different way.  We are good at this.

Sometimes we do not want to face something.  We do not want to know how it really is.  We do not want to accept something or face something.  We create a scenario in our minds that we then accept that scenario.  An example can be that we are in a relationship with someone else who is not really that interested in us.  They are there for their own reasons but that reason is not love.  It may be sex, security, companionship, or many other reasons.  We have many needs that are not met in our everyday life that can only be met through a relationship of some kind.  (I would argue the whole reason we are here is to have these relationships).  So in our example, we have our idea about the relationship and everything is filtered through that perception.  That perception colors our reality about the situation.  We see it through that perception.  Most commonly we see the relationship the way we want it to be rather than the way it really is.  So in our example relationship, we may see the person we are involved with as wanting the same things we want in the relationship but they do not seem to be giving it to us and we are frustrated but cannot really put our finger on the cause.  We cannot identify it because we have come up with our own story about the relationship.

The key is to not fool ourselves anymore.  Accept things they really are, not they way we would like them to be or how we have constructed them to be.

When we begin to accept things the way they really are life changes completely.   We can then make changes when certain things are not working for us.  If we see things they way we want to them to be rather than how they really are we cannot change things.  We are not working with the reality of the situation but our construct of the situation.  This impedes our ability to have the life we want because we are not facing life situations in their reality.

It sounds easy.  Accept things they way they really are.  Do not let your mind and emotions continue to delude you about how things really are.

This is a journey…  Join me on this journey.

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