Trusting a Man…

21 03 2016

This morning I have been thinking about what makes a man trustworthy.  Most of us would consider a man trustworthy if he keeps his word, if he says what he means, and if he stays within the boundaries and agreements of the relationship.

What comes to mind for me is a man who knows himself, who is grounded, who is unshakable in the face of the feminine storm.  A man who meets his partner with strength rather than anger and defensiveness, or withdrawal.  Rather than go into one of those defense strategies when faced with difficulty be present, be conscious, hold on to who you are.  Do not get lost in a response to the situation.  I have done both in my life.  A few years ago I was in a short relationship with someone who was pretty hurt and angry.  They took offense at nearly everything.  At first I was patient and in touch with my true nature but over time the attacks wore me down and I began to react.  First with defensiveness, then with anger, and finally with withdrawal.  None of those served either of us.  And as my reactivity grew the relationship further devolved and fractured.  Now, I am not saying this was a relationship that should have been nurtured but my reactions still haunt me.  Every time I fell into the trap of one of those coping strategies I felt I had failed.  I was not strong, I was not grounded, and I me.  And as this pattern continued I felt my strength eroded away.  The accusations and my defensiveness slowly undermined my groundedness, my stability, and my ability to stand firm in my true nature.  Of course my true nature was still there.  But I was losing touch with that one and the strength I had built up over time was failing me.  Most of all I felt like a failure.  I felt that I could not manage my reactions and myself.  In only a few weeks what I had worked so hard to attain seemed to be coming apart.  I was not trustable in this state of being that I fallen into.

For me to be truly trustworthy I must stay conscious, drop judgement, be grounded in the real me and approach life and relationship from that place.  If I lose my way then I lose my capacity to be conscious and make choices about how I will react to something.  When I lose touch with these things I react immediately instead of taking my time and allowing to correct response to arise.  The ability to do so comes from being stable and grounded.  Through meditative practices, through examination of my life and emotional states, through mind clearing, and other therapeutic processes.

To be absolutely trustworthy to the feminine heart a lapse in consciousness and going into reactivity is counter productive.  And every unconscious, defensive reaction takes time to heal.  Every one.  Not that we have to be perfect in anyway.  But be aware that when we react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal we have failed.  In that moment we are have lost trust.  These moments of of lost trust build up.  It is not one failing in this area that destroys the feminine trust in us, but many over time.  One time she says something to you that feels like an attack and accusation, and you come back with a defensive reply.  Another time she interrupts you at a task and you respond with anger for the interruption, rather than openness to her and what she brings.  Next time she does not bring it to you.  Another time she has an issues with something and instead of addressing it with her, you withdraw feeling hurt and accused.  Instead, give her your full attention.  listen to her fully, receive her communication, and take time wit your response.  Sometimes a response is not necessary, just receiving her communication in an open way is enough to calm her over the situation.  Get that you do not always have to “fix” it for her.  You can just receive it and let her clear it from her mind.  Sometimes just holding her, and having contact is enough.  Sometimes if is is something that hurt her an apology is the thing that breaks through to her heart.  Always be open and make it your goal to always foster closeness and openness between you.  Do not close to her when it is hard but open more.  This is the road to being worthy of the gift of her heart.





Humanity

6 03 2016

I was talking with a friend this morning, and a subject I have mentioned to people several times over the years, came up in the conversation.  The subject is my youngest daughter.  I have never seen her angry.  Even as a young child, I do not recall her having an anger outburst or throwing a tantrum.  I think this is likely unique but it speaks to something larger to me.  I feel that there is an evolution going on of humanity in general.  I have seen this evolution in myself, my children, and others in my life.  I have seen many people change significantly over the past 20 years or so.  They have mostly done it on a different path than mine.  We all choose our own path and unique way of progressing, I think.  My path included several healing modalities, meditation, and meditation retreats.  I have also had many teachers along the way, probably about 10 of them over the past 20 years.  Some of them concurrently, and others as my only teacher at certain times.  Lately, I have two main teachers and a nearly daily meditation practice that are serving me well.

Others have a totally different path.  My son is a philosophy major working on a Masters degree, and I have seen his studies impact his life deeply, and he has evolved significantly through this study.  It seems to be a totally different kind of evolution that I have experienced, and at the same time I cannot deny his evolution as a human.  I have met many friends on this journey, some I am very close to, and others I have infrequent contact with.  Our journeys have overlapped in one way or another over the years, and I have seen many of them grow in some way.  Become more whole, more real,or change in significant ways through their personal work and studies.  Through their healing work in certain modalities, or deep spiritual practices.  Every year I meet more people who are on some kind of healing or spiritual journey.  Among these people I come in contact with there is change, more realness, and clearer living in some way.

Many think that humanity is falling into an abyss of anger, and fear, and moral decay.  I know not everyone is working on changing themselves or their lives but I do not think the trend is toward lower energies but we as a group, race, species are slowing changing for the better.  And I think some of that change is not through work but those being born are a bit different than those that came before.  Maybe not in all cases but it seems to be happening.  I feel my youngest is an example of this process.  At a young age she seemed settled in herself.  In a way, at the time, I was not settled in MYself.  It was hard for me to grasp what was different about her.  At four years old she would leave her toys all around her room.  I would ask her to pick them up and she just did not see the need for such an action on her part.  One day, I was upset about it and I packed up all of her toys in boxes and put them in a hall closet.  “If you can’t pick them up I will do it for you.”  She just shrugged and walked away.  I left them there for a couple of days, and she did not blink.  She truly did not seem to care about the toys.  She enjoyed them when she had them but did not seem attached to them when they were missing.  To this day I marvel at her ability to just let them go, and continue being herself.  She was clearly not her toys.  I am a family therapist, I work with family that face all kinds of issues, and I have seen children deeply impacted by losing a toy, or game, or something else they identified with closely.  With my daughter, none of this was really important, at 4 years old.  She was and is a great teacher for me on the topics of non-attachment and just being.  I will not say she does not have things to work out in life, but some of the things I had to work very hard to resolve for myself came naturally to her, and appear to be a basic part of who she is.  This is amazing to me, as someone who has worked hard to even catch a glimpse of what she must naturally be.

I think we are evolving, all of us, together; in some strange way.  It is what I talk about in the Goddess Broke My Heart, Life has a way of pushing us toward growth in some way.  What that means to each of us is likely different, but we are all moving together with our Goddess Broken Hearts, changing and growing, and evolving.  All of us, not just those who take it on as a project.  Life will give us situations that will grow us.  Over and over and over…  Sometimes we will fail in the circumstances we face, and other times we will navigate it with grace.  Always a challenge, always life serves throws something new at us.  We will resolve certain areas of who and what we are, and this will make our lives easier, and we will get stuck in certain other areas that make our lives harder.

It is not hopeless.  What we see in the news does not define us, the fear we are confronted with is not who we are, the misery in the world is not the true human condition.  We move, we grow, we evolve.  As everyone of us changes for the better, we affect those around us.  We send ripples out that influence others, and as we grow others are impacted by our growth, and through that influence often grow themselves in some way.

Those that are actively seeking opportunities to grow and change are a blessing.  Those who are organically changing through life challenges are just as much of a blessing.  We all contribute to the evolution of us all.  Humanity is not on a decline into fear and anger and hatred; but a rising spiral of more understanding, raising energy and love.  All can join us.





The Next Process

7 01 2016

I believe I am in a process of completion on many levels, and a clearing out process in my life.  I believe this is in preparation for something new, but there is more to be revealed.

This process (or maybe two processes) is coming in two flavors.

The first is difficult people.  I have had a series of people who have been unreasonable or displayed unnecessary anger with me.  It appears that these people have the idea that I have done something to them or wronged them in some way.  One made demands of me that i do something I already planned to do but they never gave room for a conversation, they just blasted me with anger, accusations, and aggression.  I said to them several times, “You do not have to yell at me.”   They would settle down for a a bit but ramp up again.  I never did get to tell them that what they wanted I had planned to do the whole time, and I am sure they think they bullied me into the course of action they wanted.

Another made a decision that was detrimental to me in a way, but not huge really (a business thing).  And when I asked them about it they acted again accusatory toward me.  I was shocked at how they reacted to me.  I have treated them with kindness and understand during the time of our association.  This person also refused to provide completely reasonable things that I need to complete work they were involved in.  There seems to be no reason to refuse (it is part of what they were doing for me), but every request is met with a problem.  I fail to understand what the problem is.

These are the two that come up right now, but not the only recent situations of strange interactions with people in recent months.  It seems there is some kind of process going on.  I am not sure if it people self-selecting out of my sphere and life, or something that needs to be completed within me, and these folks are my teachers in some area that is not clear to me.  Both these circumstances have elicited more anger than I typically have these days, so it might be in the emotional realm.  It could be that I will face these situations until I no longer have an angry reaction.  To be clear, I did not react toward them with anger but I had an internal reaction that was more than I want in my life.  It certainly has caused much self-reflection as these incidents have persisted to come up.

The other process or part of this one is related to the life examination I have been doing for the past several months.  That has relaxed quite a bit, but now I have the examination continues on a more subtle level.  I am involuntarily examining my very thoughts at different times with different people.  The process has been refined from the actions I have taken, and the situations I have created to the thoughts I have had, of course, mostly about others.  The thoughts I did not act on, the thoughts I did not express, the thoughts I forgot about years ago, are coming back to be examined and dealt with in some way.  That might be an apology or a realization, or something else, but it is all being sifted through.

Even though the two processes seem different, they seem related to me.  It is all part of a larger thing that continues to work on my, and in my life.

I can only think this is some preparation for the next stage in my life, or a purification of some kind.  One of my teachers will say, words to the effect of, “I am not pure enough yet.”  Maybe this is a process of becoming pure enough.  For what I could not say…

 

 





Everything Changes…

27 12 2015

Today I had an opportunity to go back and read many of the things I have written, and updates I have posted.  The thing that is most clear to me is that things are constantly in flux.  Things that were hard for me a few months ago have had their time, or their way with me and these things are no longer as important, or hard, or consuming as there were when originally written.

The first is the process I have gone through of a life reconciliation.  That was a long and profound process.  Triggered by many things in my life.  One of them being my upcoming birthday in a few months.  This process seems to have run its course for now.  Maybe it lingers a bit and there is still flashes of past events, choices, or situations that pass through my mind with a sign that says, look at me, process me, resolve me, or let me go…  It has wound down to a quiet nonintrusive, background process that no longer takes center stage of my mind whenever it is not otherwise occupied.

The next is the situation that caused the past year to be so difficult.  Even though all of the ramifications of that year are not resolved and still may not be for many months (or even a year or more) it is not causing much stress in my life.  I am doing all I can do to resolve those issues to include working harder that I would like to work.  But this will all pass too.

I think that is the point of this post.  Everything passes.  Everything is temporary.  All thoughts, emotions, situations in life eventually pass to a different way of being with us.  We cannot keep our attention on something for too long.  And what we put our attention on increases.  I prefer to have my attention on things that serve me in some way, and not on the things that I am struggling with.  That does not mean I can ignore those things.  I think one of the lessons going on in the past few months is that I must take care of things as they arise.  In the past I have had a tendency to just let things flow as they will and imagine they will work out, but they often do not work out on their own without action or help from me.  I guess I did not take appropriate action, but at the same time worried about the situation.  I found myself watching the situation I should handle increase and become unmanageable.  There are so many situations that I can recall (back to that again) which I let slide to my detriment.  This has not worked.  I have done a much better job in the past few months of handling things as they arose and another process has emerged from it.  I have had many annoying small things with people show up.  It is like all the difficult people in my life have decided this is the to act out.  It has happened in several ways with several people.  It has been very strange.

Life continues to work on me in its way.  I remain open to letting life continue to refine me in whatever way it next has in store for me.

 

 





The Worry Box…

15 11 2015

Today, as we get close to the new year, I am going to talk about the Worry Box.

On my Energy Table (some would refer to as an alter) I have placed a Worry Box.  This box is used to place those things that I worry about.  I put them on a sheet of paper and place them in the box as a way of externalizing the worries.

From time to time I will look through those things I have placed in the box and to review them and to find out what has resolved.  When something has been resolved in some way, I will burn that piece of paper and put it in a container that is also on my energy table for the purpose of accepting those ashes.  At the end of the year (coming soon) I take those ashes outside and release them.

I find that when I put my worries in the box I no longer hold them in my mind in the same way.  They are released in a way.  This does not mean I do not give them appropriate attention when necessary or action needs to be taken to resolve a particular worry.  I find that often it is just a worry of some kind that my mind has made up, and no action is necessary.  Other times it is something that needs to be done but it is a longer term project that cannot be resolved any time soon, which will need action at some point or maybe over time.

Releasing the worries from my mind let’s me relax in life, and releases my life energy that I hold to worry about the issue in the first place.  At times, when it is not an issue that needs action, it gets released from my mind in a way that I forget about it.  This is the power of the Worry Box.

There will eventually be more information available about the Energy Table and all the components we use with it.  More to be revealed…

I hope everyone has a joyful holiday season and new year.

 





Processes…

26 09 2015

My current process continues.  I continue to reexamine my life and it is a painful process.

What I understand about this process is that I have been on a serious journey for many years of growth and healing and I have arrived at a certain place; where I am look at my life with more consciousness.  I think that my progress has stopped for now and this examination of my previous actions and decisions and situations and circumstances is a clearing out of the unconsciousness that I lived in and with in previous levels of development or nondevelopment (whichever applies).

It seems I have to do a kind of karma clearing on my previous level of consciousness.  There are so many things that I have done that I would not do now, that I decided that I would not decide now.  Situations that I put myself in that I would not do so now.  Relationships that I entered that I would not enter now.  Decisions I have made that I would not make now.

In a way I could say I was not completely sane, and made decisions from that not completely sane place.  Now I am a different person, in a different place in my beingness and consciousness.  I would not make of those decisions I made in the past.  One of the bigger changes is that I made many decisions from the needs of my ego, and my neuroses; rather than a place of consciousness and my and others greatest good.

Like other processes I have been through this is one that I am not resisting or trying to stop it.  I just let it roll through my life as I go through it and my daily activities.  In a way I am not attached to it, and it a way I am very attached to it.  I know that this process will end one day.  Maybe this week, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, and when it is done there will be another process.  That process will begin when it is ready.  It will likely not be right away after this one ends, it could be a year it could be days.  And I know that process will be different, and hit me in a totally different area of my life.

It is all a purification process.  Sometimes I think the more work I do, the more conscious I become the more there is to do.  I am ready for this process to continue until it is done, and I am ready for the next process.  It seems there is always a next process.

It all continues.  There is always something to learn.  More to purify.  More to clear from our mind and consciousness.  This will continue for a long time to come.





Giving Yourself Away…

6 09 2015

From time to time over the years I have heard from people (mostly married women) that they have done everything they can to please their partner, and take care of their children or some combination of that.  They have sacrificed themselves in some way.  They feel they have compromised themselves for years for the relationship or to raise their children.  Maybe their mother was like this.  They put themselves in the space of being secondary.  There is a way they feel they are not truly existing.  They may feel life an appendage in the relationship or they feel they are the caretaker of their partner or the children or both.  The do not feel like they are a real person but something less than the others in the family.  Most of the time people who live this way eventually find they are so unfulfilled it is preferable to be a lone than to continue the relationship.

Serve is a noble activity, but sacrificing your very beingness to serve others is not necessary or even healthy.  We must all live as if we are worthy.  As if we have value.  We all have as much value as the others we are in relationship with.  If we sacrifice our humanity and become some servant android that takes care of everyone else’s needs we are not complete.  Not fulfilled.  We have sacrificed too much.  This is not service to those we love, it is servitude.  The thing about it is, it is self-imposed.  We feel we must do this role to please those we love.  We must be less than we truly are.  We stifle ourselves to meet our loved ones imagined expectations.  Often these expectations are not actually communicated but we think this is what is expected of us.  Certainly when we put ourselves aside and give in a way that is too much to another they are likely going to accept.  They will often not be conscious enough to realize that you are causing yourself harm by this kind of servitude, by selling yourself short.  By not being a full authentic person.

There is nothing about you that is small.  Do not exile yourself to a minor role in life that is not fulfilling.  You are unlimited.  You can have what fulfills you.  Do not train your loved ones to treat you as less than you truly are.  The amazing thing is that you are so powerful that you can reduce yourself down to a role that does not fulfill you in any way, and you can train others around you to treat you in such a way that it reinforces the role you have decided to play.

Now if you are playing this role to learn some deep life lesson that is part of the journey, but it that was what you are facing would you find yourself feeling less than or unfulfilled?  Do not be small, be you.  Your full authentic you.  Be the one you truly are rather than settle for a shadow of who and what you are.  Retrain yourself, and those around you that you are a powerful, equal being who is worthy of all that life can bring.  You are not small, you are so much more than that.  See yourself through the eyes of your most profound teachers.  They do not see a small being, they may see a being playing the game of small but they do not see small.  Be full blown.  Be all of it.  If your journey is to play small, then play small from a place of healthy power and intention.  Know that your are being small for a purpose, and if there is no purpose in the play then it may be time to change the script.  Time to grow into the your fullness.  You are not small.  You are not less.  You are not insignificant.  Those things do not exist for one of your nature.  You are unique, and amazing, and unlimited.








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