21 06 2018

It has been so long since I wrote a post here, and so much has happened in life.

My mind has been filled with thoughts of work, daily life, and other details, that have not left time or space to feel into me, you, the world.  I now sit and the keyboard and feel everything.  Opening to it all.  I realize in this I am been more closed than open for the past six months or more.  What is that closure?  Closed to life in ways, to creativity certainly.  The daily grind, the one step after another days.  This is not the life I want, I want time and space to open.

What barriers am I facing, what is keeping me small and contained in my mind and life?  What is not letting me be open to more than my small existence?

Life will distract us.  It will make demands on us.  It will keep us from our power.  There is more.  Openness is the key.  Open, quiet, space within…  Breath

As I sit here and let the words flow I feel cleansed.  Maybe for the first time in almost a year.  I feel open, I feel more free.  Freedom…  We can all be free, and our minds and our thoughts, and the demands of existence hold us back.  We have concerns over so many things.  And ultimately those concerns are just a distraction.  They feel very important.  Everything in life feels very important.  Ah, the struggle…

These past few years have been a very real struggle for me, and yet the true importance of all of this is not truly important.

Three years ago I faced a choice point.  I was killing myself with stress over a life situation.  I stopped one day and sorted out what was important in that life situation.  I realized I am not the situation.  I was very closely identified with it, and it felt like failing in that situation was annihilation of the me.  But at that choice point I realized I could continue as I was, and cause myself harm, or I could come to the understanding that I was not the situation.   I de-identified from the life situation.  I understood in that moment the situation was  not me.  There was a me, and there was a situation, but the me did not have to be sucked in to all the stress of that situation.  I feel on a much lesser scale I face this again.  Even thought three years ago I separated for the life situation I was facing, I have slowly taken on a related and extended situation.  It is not as acute, it is not as stressful, but I have slowly taking up an identification with my current life situation and wrapped it around the me.  I now wear a cloak of a life situation as if it is me, or part of me, or insuperable from me.

I engage in a form of madness, to distract me from what is real.  I, of course, am not this life situation either.  I do not stop enough, breath enough, meditate enough.  I do not let life sort itself out, but try to wrestle it to my whims.  Madness…

In the new minutes I have reflected and written, and allowed myself to not be as distracted by life I feel more openness, more space, more peace, and more of the me.    This is the true task, not the busy world we face, and all the distractions it brings, but accessing our true nature.  Another lesson in what is truly important to me.  I do not desire to let life fall apart on introspection.  I do not desire to lock myself away from the world like a monk.  I think when we open to more, rather than withdraw, we should live more in the world with the others who share this journey with us.  The strong (in whatever way) should help others.  This help can be in very small ways, or big ways, in life changing ways or just quiet ways.

Be kind, and an example to others in how to live with grace and love…


Non-Duality (not that I am an expert)

3 09 2017

This morning I read a facebook thread about a teacher in what he called non-duality who committed suicide.  I gather from the thread that this happens from time to time.  I understand from their perspective this makes sense, but it seems to me they are missing the point of this life, and our struggles.

I also read an article by another teacher addressing this issue. http://non-duality.rupertspira.com/read/suicide_and_awakened_behaviour230

I agree with what Rupert has to say in this article.  We as Americans take part of a thing from an old eastern teachings and give them the McDonald’s treatment.  I agree with Rupert that an awakening (whatever that means) is only the beginning.  I had my first direct experiences of my true nature in 2004, and I do not feel I am done with this process in anyway.  I think in the west people have an experience and glimpse of the truth, and they dive into that and feel this is it, and over time they become disillusioned because their life has not fallen into a utopia of some kind.  That is not the nature of our awakening.  In my experiences the more awakened someone is, often the more difficult their life becomes.  And they are on a path of truth.  We cannot go back from their.  We cannot forget and fall back into our old ways of being.  We might want to, we might say this new things is way too hard, and I need to stop and go back.  This is not really possible.  Once something has fundamentally changed in us, as much as we would like to we cannot then ignore it.

I do not know any of the teachers, the two that committed suicide, or Rupert, but I do agree with what Rupert said. I read Wayne’s blog entry about his suicide, and I did not get it. I have not read his work, but I have had awakening experiences. Many of them, and I do not consider myself an expert on non-duality. I feel I will always be seeking, and I get the non-attachment part of it all. I just feel we are here for a reason. We chose to be here for a reason, and I will not leave early just in case I have not gotten to that reason. What I do know is that if we do not complete the purpose we came for, we will have to come again to complete it. I would rather handle it in this life while I am conscious of this and many other things. What I am not clear about is when I die, and return (if I still must resolve things here) will I retain my current level of consciousness, or will I have to work to come back to that place again. If I have to work to come back to that place, will I succeed, or will life circumstances get in the way. I have a theory – I think the more enlightened we are the harder our lives become. The stronger we are, the more awakened (to use a term that is meaningless) the harder the lives are. I look at those who are hugely challenged in this life, and I wonder – are they the most evolved of us, but need that final lesson in humility, or something else that I cannot conceive, to move forward in their life. Or if we have faced the worst of humanity and ourselves, say war, and rape, and incest, and slavery, etc. do we not have to face those things again having learned the lessons from them. In our society we get so caught up in the perpetrators who have done such heinous acts, but we do not consider it may have been the life path of those who were victimized by those acts to learn deep teachings from those things. We are still looking back generations and saying this was wrong or that was wrong, we cannot change those things, and there was likely learning on both sides of those issues for the evolution of the individuals and the entire species. We will have war, until we have learned all we can from it. And all the other horrible things that happen on this world. We choose this world, we chose this time, and we chose to learn something from it all.

I remember several years ago after learning surrender meditation, I could not sleep.  I was basically awake 24 hours a day for about two weeks, I talked to my teacher about this and he replied, I guess the divine wants you to be up.  And I stopped doing surrender meditation.  I did not want to be up…  I also was not tired.  I was awake almost all the time for those two weeks, but I was not exhausted.  I had energy, I was doing life, I was okay.  And I let it stop me.  Not because I was worn out or not able to function, but fear.  I created a barrier to moving forward into deeper surrender to the divine.  Now I make excuses that I am too busy to go back to surrender meditation, but I think it is still the fear.  I do have a meditation practice, but it is not surrender meditation, at least not for the present.  In the next couple of months I will go to another surrender meditation retreat and this time I will continue the practice.

Back to the issues of teachers and suicide.  I have many teachers who have been working on their awakening for 30 or 40 years.  They are amazing beings, all of them, who have real lives like we all do.  These are not people who have dropped out of society and lives a monastic life.  One of them used to say, it is easy to become enlightened by going off somewhere and sitting with a teacher for years, what is hard is becoming enlightened and doing a life in the world everyday, and taking care of family, and students, and clients, and details.  I struggle with the details, because yes there is a level of non-attachment that makes me not care much about them.  And for me to do my life’s purpose those things need to be handled.  One of my teacher’s also said, that the most enlightened people, are often the most out of balance people.  This I get too.  My life is out of balance.  Maybe it has always been, but since having had certain experiences it is more pronounced.  And it is okay, I am working on what I need to work on.  I am moving projects forward.  I am living a life that brings me joy, more than not.  None of my teachers, although profound beings, seem to be done with their own journey.  They continue to teach, they continue to do their practices, they continue to seek truth, and they continue to grow.  My teachers who were not on their own growth path have fallen away.  Because they had not continued their path, they only had so much to teach.  They were not learning and growing themselves, and therefore they could only teach to a certain stage or awareness.  I bless all my teachers and have great love for them.

For me the path is ever unwinding in front of me.  There is so much I do not know, and I feel that will always be true.  I think maybe I started too late in life.  I think this journey is at least 30 or 40 years for anyone, and to leave early because at a certain stage I feel that I have learned it all and there is nothing else to accomplish here would be a mistake for me.  Sometimes over the years I have reached that place of feeling I could not possible progress more from here.  I have come so far, I am so different, I am a completed piece in some way,  later to realize that this place was just a resting spot for a few months or maybe even a year or so, but was not the end of the journey.  Suddenly I realized I did not know anything, and the journey continued…


3 07 2017

It has been a long time since I made a blog post.

In that time a lot has happened in my life on many fronts.  Some I have likely talked about and others I have not.

Today I was looking through my old blog posts and thought I would write.  And what is up for me is significance.

What I mean by that is that our mind is made of of significances.  Our mind makes everything more or less significant.  What happens in life is mostly neutral until our mind grabs a hold of it, and places some significance on it.  I have noticed this process of not placing significance on certain things over the past many years.  There are things I used to think were very important and effected me in a big way, that now I do not care about.  I am no longer placing significance on them.  It is hard to come up with the things I have stopped doing this with because I do not really put my attention on them anymore.

As I stop putting my attention on certain things, my mind stops placing significance on them.  And there is freedom in that.  In a way my mind has less control over my thoughts and feelings.  I have pulled out of the struggle with certain parts of life.  One of them is my family.  I stopped long ago wanting them to be a certain way.  I got they are only going to be the way there are.  They are not going to accept me in a way they haven’t.  They are certainly not going to get me as I am today, being very different than I was many years ago, and fitting into my little family niche, my family role, the good boy, or the big brother, or the adversary.  Or many other roles I may not actually have participated in, but was cast in for them to do their own personal play in the family dynamics.

This is just one area where I have stopped putting my attention on them to be a certain way, to meet some expectation I had, to meet my needs in a way that I felt I could not meet my own needs.  The dance of family that rarely feels satisfying to the dancing puppets that try to act a certain way to be accepted by the other dancing puppets who are doing the same.

With my family all I can do is get them to the best of my ability, and accept them the way they really are, and to have boundaries with them that keeps them from infringing on me in ways I do not want, while they continue with their family dynamic games.  I am more conscious of my roles, and decided which I might play or won’t play.  I strive to accept them the way their really are.  I think we tend to have less compassion for our families than we do for others in the world.  Of course our families deserve as much compassion as anyone else, they were just closer to us, and we saw the inside of what was going on.   We participated in what was going on.  We were part of what was going on.  Many of us are still wrapped up in that dance, and others have left the dance hall with the intention of no longer having contact with our former dance partners.  Neither of these is the path to freedom…

We must see the truth in ourselves, the others and the dance.  We do not have freedom in reactivity to the dynamics, either by continuing our participation, or rejecting it all.

We must seek freedom in ourselves.  Acknowledge those things that still trigger you about the others and meditate upon that until it is healed in you.  This is one way to let go of the struggle, to no longer put your attention on those things that have bothered you about the dance for so many years.  Sometimes we cannot do this on our own, and we need help.  Mind Clearing is a way to release those significances from the mind.  Enough Mind Clearing work can break up those stuck places we have lingering without ourselves.

I will likely write more on this in the future but for now…

Be well, and always seek freedom in yourself, and for others…

Trusting a Man…

21 03 2016

This morning I have been thinking about what makes a man trustworthy.  Most of us would consider a man trustworthy if he keeps his word, if he says what he means, and if he stays within the boundaries and agreements of the relationship.

What comes to mind for me is a man who knows himself, who is grounded, who is unshakable in the face of the feminine storm.  A man who meets his partner with strength rather than anger and defensiveness, or withdrawal.  Rather than go into one of those defense strategies when faced with difficulty be present, be conscious, hold on to who you are.  Do not get lost in a response to the situation.  I have done both in my life.  A few years ago I was in a short relationship with someone who was pretty hurt and angry.  They took offense at nearly everything.  At first I was patient and in touch with my true nature but over time the attacks wore me down and I began to react.  First with defensiveness, then with anger, and finally with withdrawal.  None of those served either of us.  And as my reactivity grew the relationship further devolved and fractured.  Now, I am not saying this was a relationship that should have been nurtured but my reactions still haunt me.  Every time I fell into the trap of one of those coping strategies I felt I had failed.  I was not strong, I was not grounded, and I me.  And as this pattern continued I felt my strength eroded away.  The accusations and my defensiveness slowly undermined my groundedness, my stability, and my ability to stand firm in my true nature.  Of course my true nature was still there.  But I was losing touch with that one and the strength I had built up over time was failing me.  Most of all I felt like a failure.  I felt that I could not manage my reactions and myself.  In only a few weeks what I had worked so hard to attain seemed to be coming apart.  I was not trustable in this state of being that I fallen into.

For me to be truly trustworthy I must stay conscious, drop judgement, be grounded in the real me and approach life and relationship from that place.  If I lose my way then I lose my capacity to be conscious and make choices about how I will react to something.  When I lose touch with these things I react immediately instead of taking my time and allowing to correct response to arise.  The ability to do so comes from being stable and grounded.  Through meditative practices, through examination of my life and emotional states, through mind clearing, and other therapeutic processes.

To be absolutely trustworthy to the feminine heart a lapse in consciousness and going into reactivity is counter productive.  And every unconscious, defensive reaction takes time to heal.  Every one.  Not that we have to be perfect in anyway.  But be aware that when we react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal we have failed.  In that moment we are have lost trust.  These moments of of lost trust build up.  It is not one failing in this area that destroys the feminine trust in us, but many over time.  One time she says something to you that feels like an attack and accusation, and you come back with a defensive reply.  Another time she interrupts you at a task and you respond with anger for the interruption, rather than openness to her and what she brings.  Next time she does not bring it to you.  Another time she has an issues with something and instead of addressing it with her, you withdraw feeling hurt and accused.  Instead, give her your full attention.  listen to her fully, receive her communication, and take time wit your response.  Sometimes a response is not necessary, just receiving her communication in an open way is enough to calm her over the situation.  Get that you do not always have to “fix” it for her.  You can just receive it and let her clear it from her mind.  Sometimes just holding her, and having contact is enough.  Sometimes if is is something that hurt her an apology is the thing that breaks through to her heart.  Always be open and make it your goal to always foster closeness and openness between you.  Do not close to her when it is hard but open more.  This is the road to being worthy of the gift of her heart.


6 03 2016

I was talking with a friend this morning, and a subject I have mentioned to people several times over the years, came up in the conversation.  The subject is my youngest daughter.  I have never seen her angry.  Even as a young child, I do not recall her having an anger outburst or throwing a tantrum.  I think this is likely unique but it speaks to something larger to me.  I feel that there is an evolution going on of humanity in general.  I have seen this evolution in myself, my children, and others in my life.  I have seen many people change significantly over the past 20 years or so.  They have mostly done it on a different path than mine.  We all choose our own path and unique way of progressing, I think.  My path included several healing modalities, meditation, and meditation retreats.  I have also had many teachers along the way, probably about 10 of them over the past 20 years.  Some of them concurrently, and others as my only teacher at certain times.  Lately, I have two main teachers and a nearly daily meditation practice that are serving me well.

Others have a totally different path.  My son is a philosophy major working on a Masters degree, and I have seen his studies impact his life deeply, and he has evolved significantly through this study.  It seems to be a totally different kind of evolution that I have experienced, and at the same time I cannot deny his evolution as a human.  I have met many friends on this journey, some I am very close to, and others I have infrequent contact with.  Our journeys have overlapped in one way or another over the years, and I have seen many of them grow in some way.  Become more whole, more real,or change in significant ways through their personal work and studies.  Through their healing work in certain modalities, or deep spiritual practices.  Every year I meet more people who are on some kind of healing or spiritual journey.  Among these people I come in contact with there is change, more realness, and clearer living in some way.

Many think that humanity is falling into an abyss of anger, and fear, and moral decay.  I know not everyone is working on changing themselves or their lives but I do not think the trend is toward lower energies but we as a group, race, species are slowing changing for the better.  And I think some of that change is not through work but those being born are a bit different than those that came before.  Maybe not in all cases but it seems to be happening.  I feel my youngest is an example of this process.  At a young age she seemed settled in herself.  In a way, at the time, I was not settled in MYself.  It was hard for me to grasp what was different about her.  At four years old she would leave her toys all around her room.  I would ask her to pick them up and she just did not see the need for such an action on her part.  One day, I was upset about it and I packed up all of her toys in boxes and put them in a hall closet.  “If you can’t pick them up I will do it for you.”  She just shrugged and walked away.  I left them there for a couple of days, and she did not blink.  She truly did not seem to care about the toys.  She enjoyed them when she had them but did not seem attached to them when they were missing.  To this day I marvel at her ability to just let them go, and continue being herself.  She was clearly not her toys.  I am a family therapist, I work with family that face all kinds of issues, and I have seen children deeply impacted by losing a toy, or game, or something else they identified with closely.  With my daughter, none of this was really important, at 4 years old.  She was and is a great teacher for me on the topics of non-attachment and just being.  I will not say she does not have things to work out in life, but some of the things I had to work very hard to resolve for myself came naturally to her, and appear to be a basic part of who she is.  This is amazing to me, as someone who has worked hard to even catch a glimpse of what she must naturally be.

I think we are evolving, all of us, together; in some strange way.  It is what I talk about in the Goddess Broke My Heart, Life has a way of pushing us toward growth in some way.  What that means to each of us is likely different, but we are all moving together with our Goddess Broken Hearts, changing and growing, and evolving.  All of us, not just those who take it on as a project.  Life will give us situations that will grow us.  Over and over and over…  Sometimes we will fail in the circumstances we face, and other times we will navigate it with grace.  Always a challenge, always life serves throws something new at us.  We will resolve certain areas of who and what we are, and this will make our lives easier, and we will get stuck in certain other areas that make our lives harder.

It is not hopeless.  What we see in the news does not define us, the fear we are confronted with is not who we are, the misery in the world is not the true human condition.  We move, we grow, we evolve.  As everyone of us changes for the better, we affect those around us.  We send ripples out that influence others, and as we grow others are impacted by our growth, and through that influence often grow themselves in some way.

Those that are actively seeking opportunities to grow and change are a blessing.  Those who are organically changing through life challenges are just as much of a blessing.  We all contribute to the evolution of us all.  Humanity is not on a decline into fear and anger and hatred; but a rising spiral of more understanding, raising energy and love.  All can join us.

The Next Process

7 01 2016

I believe I am in a process of completion on many levels, and a clearing out process in my life.  I believe this is in preparation for something new, but there is more to be revealed.

This process (or maybe two processes) is coming in two flavors.

The first is difficult people.  I have had a series of people who have been unreasonable or displayed unnecessary anger with me.  It appears that these people have the idea that I have done something to them or wronged them in some way.  One made demands of me that i do something I already planned to do but they never gave room for a conversation, they just blasted me with anger, accusations, and aggression.  I said to them several times, “You do not have to yell at me.”   They would settle down for a a bit but ramp up again.  I never did get to tell them that what they wanted I had planned to do the whole time, and I am sure they think they bullied me into the course of action they wanted.

Another made a decision that was detrimental to me in a way, but not huge really (a business thing).  And when I asked them about it they acted again accusatory toward me.  I was shocked at how they reacted to me.  I have treated them with kindness and understand during the time of our association.  This person also refused to provide completely reasonable things that I need to complete work they were involved in.  There seems to be no reason to refuse (it is part of what they were doing for me), but every request is met with a problem.  I fail to understand what the problem is.

These are the two that come up right now, but not the only recent situations of strange interactions with people in recent months.  It seems there is some kind of process going on.  I am not sure if it people self-selecting out of my sphere and life, or something that needs to be completed within me, and these folks are my teachers in some area that is not clear to me.  Both these circumstances have elicited more anger than I typically have these days, so it might be in the emotional realm.  It could be that I will face these situations until I no longer have an angry reaction.  To be clear, I did not react toward them with anger but I had an internal reaction that was more than I want in my life.  It certainly has caused much self-reflection as these incidents have persisted to come up.

The other process or part of this one is related to the life examination I have been doing for the past several months.  That has relaxed quite a bit, but now I have the examination continues on a more subtle level.  I am involuntarily examining my very thoughts at different times with different people.  The process has been refined from the actions I have taken, and the situations I have created to the thoughts I have had, of course, mostly about others.  The thoughts I did not act on, the thoughts I did not express, the thoughts I forgot about years ago, are coming back to be examined and dealt with in some way.  That might be an apology or a realization, or something else, but it is all being sifted through.

Even though the two processes seem different, they seem related to me.  It is all part of a larger thing that continues to work on my, and in my life.

I can only think this is some preparation for the next stage in my life, or a purification of some kind.  One of my teachers will say, words to the effect of, “I am not pure enough yet.”  Maybe this is a process of becoming pure enough.  For what I could not say…



Everything Changes…

27 12 2015

Today I had an opportunity to go back and read many of the things I have written, and updates I have posted.  The thing that is most clear to me is that things are constantly in flux.  Things that were hard for me a few months ago have had their time, or their way with me and these things are no longer as important, or hard, or consuming as there were when originally written.

The first is the process I have gone through of a life reconciliation.  That was a long and profound process.  Triggered by many things in my life.  One of them being my upcoming birthday in a few months.  This process seems to have run its course for now.  Maybe it lingers a bit and there is still flashes of past events, choices, or situations that pass through my mind with a sign that says, look at me, process me, resolve me, or let me go…  It has wound down to a quiet nonintrusive, background process that no longer takes center stage of my mind whenever it is not otherwise occupied.

The next is the situation that caused the past year to be so difficult.  Even though all of the ramifications of that year are not resolved and still may not be for many months (or even a year or more) it is not causing much stress in my life.  I am doing all I can do to resolve those issues to include working harder that I would like to work.  But this will all pass too.

I think that is the point of this post.  Everything passes.  Everything is temporary.  All thoughts, emotions, situations in life eventually pass to a different way of being with us.  We cannot keep our attention on something for too long.  And what we put our attention on increases.  I prefer to have my attention on things that serve me in some way, and not on the things that I am struggling with.  That does not mean I can ignore those things.  I think one of the lessons going on in the past few months is that I must take care of things as they arise.  In the past I have had a tendency to just let things flow as they will and imagine they will work out, but they often do not work out on their own without action or help from me.  I guess I did not take appropriate action, but at the same time worried about the situation.  I found myself watching the situation I should handle increase and become unmanageable.  There are so many situations that I can recall (back to that again) which I let slide to my detriment.  This has not worked.  I have done a much better job in the past few months of handling things as they arose and another process has emerged from it.  I have had many annoying small things with people show up.  It is like all the difficult people in my life have decided this is the to act out.  It has happened in several ways with several people.  It has been very strange.

Life continues to work on me in its way.  I remain open to letting life continue to refine me in whatever way it next has in store for me.



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